


RIPPED KENMA

by hazzanipple



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Flat earthers, Fluff and Crack, M/M, kenma is ripped, mild violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzanipple/pseuds/hazzanipple
Summary: RIPPED KENMA is on a rampage. First, it was our good friend, Yamamoto, and now it's-- *gasp*
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, slight oikawa/ushijima
Comments: 51
Kudos: 49





	1. Gravity does not exist

Kuroo was in his room playing video games on a Saturday night, surprisingly without Kenma. He missed Kenma, and he wondered where he was. He decided to sing a song about it.

“I’m always with my best friend keeeenma, we are always togeeeeether. Foreeeever. BFFL’s… but with benefits. We play video games and volleyball togeeeeeether foreeeeeever. Me and my best friend Keeeeeenma-“

Suddenly there’s a loud crash; RIPPED KENMA is standing in the doorway, with bloody hands, having knocked down Kuroo’s door.

“I KILLED YAMAMOTO.”

Kuroo sighs deeply. “You killed someone again, Kenma?”

“HE HAD IT COMING. HE BELIEVES THAT GRAVITY EXISTS.”

“Kenma, gravity does exist.” 

“IT BETTER NOT.”

Kuroo sighs again. “Ugh, now we’re gonna need someone to replace Yamamoto on the team. Can you change out of buff form? My family’s gonna hear you yelling. And I don’t know if my grandma’s Jesus heart can take it.“

Kenma suddenly shrinks to his normal form.

“Sorry, Kuroo. Anyway, we still have Lev.” He looks down and mumbles “for now anyway.”

“Kenma if you kill Lev, I’m taking your video games.”

“Kuuuuuuwwwwoooooo” Kenma whined.

Kuroo sighed again. Kenma was cute, but he couldn’t give in. They couldn’t afford to lose another player.  
“No, Kenma. Tell Yaku he just has to deal with Lev.”

“Kuuuuuuwwwwoooo” 

“No, Kenma. Now go take a shower and change. You’re all bloody. What did you do with the body anyway?”

“I threw him into a ditch. But it’s okay. His body will float away because gravity doesn’t exist.”

“Kenma, for the last time, gravity exists."

“No.” Kenma says and runs to the bathroom before Kuroo can refute.

—————————————————————————————————————————————  
Kuroo pulls out his cell phone and dials Yaku’s number.

“Hello?”

“Yaku, Kenma killed Yamamoto. I need you to hide the body. It’s in a ditch somewhere.”

“Okay Kuroo, I’m on it.”

“Also Yaku, stop trying to get Kenma to kill Lev.”

“Kurooooooooo”

“No Yaku, we need him on the team. I’m your captain, don’t argue with me.”

“Fine” Yaku huffs and hangs up.

Kenma returns from the bathroom; no longer covered in blood. Water is dripping down his face, little droplets hanging on his eyelashes. He’s dressed in a T-Shirt and sweatpants and pouting cutely. Kuroo walks over to him and hugs him.

“I love you, Kenma. But you can’t kill everyone on the team. If you do that, we won’t be able to play against Shoyo.” Kuroo booped Kenma’s nose

“Shoyo?” Kenma brightened up at that. “Okay Kuroo, I won’t kill anyone else.”

“Good.”

“On our team.” Kenma mumbles quietly to himself.

“No Kenma!” 

Kenma pouts again and Kuroo’s heart melts.

“Okay, but only if they deserve it.”

Kenma smiles brightly. Kuroo smiles back. He really is so cute.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Kenma follows Kuroo to the bed, but Kuroo stops him before he can get under the covers.

“Um.. Can you turn back into ripped Kenma? I like to feel your rippling abs while I sleep.” Kuroo blushes

Kenma chuckles and turns into RIPPED KENMA

“ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY LOVE.”

RIPPED KENMA gets under the blankets and Kuroo lays his head on RIPPED KEMNA’S beefy arms. He splays his fingers out on RIPPED KENMA’S rippling abs, and sighs happily as he drifts to sleep.

————————————————————————————————————————————

The next morning, Kuroo woke up to the sound of shouting.

“THE EARTH IS ACTUALLY A SQUARE. WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO ALL THIS TIME. IT’S ALL CONSPIRACY CREATED BY SCIENTISTS TO MAKE US BELIEVE THAT GRAVITY EXISTS.”

Kuroo rolls his eyes. RIPPED KENMA is making another anti-science video. He’s tried to explain how the world actually works, but his BFFL with benefits could be very stubborn. And Kuroo hated arguing with him; most of the time, Kenma just had to pout and he would forget what they were fighting about.

Kenma turned off the camcorder and returned to small Kenma form. Kuroo walked over to him and hugged him from behind.

“Good morning, Kenma. You hungry?”

“Yeah, I want some fortnite-o’s.”

“Okay, Kenma. Milk first right?”

“Yes, always. Love you, Kuroo.

“Love you too.” Kuroo replies. He presses a kiss to the top of Kenma’s head and skips over to the kitchen to make Kenma his fortnite-o’s.

After eating breakfast, Kenma and Kuroo played video games for 11 hours straight(gay). Right as they’re getting ready for bed, Kenma’s phone buzzes.

Kenma looks down at his phone and smiles wide. 

“Kuroo! I got 3 comments on my video!”

“Ohh that’s nice Kenma.”

Kenma looked at the comments at his YouTube video titled “10 REASONS THE EARTH IS A SQUARE.”

themilkman: Finally someone is speaking the truth. We all know the earth is a flat square and gravity does not exist.

Kenma had thought about killing Kageyama before since he often took Shoyo’s attention from him, but he decided that he could live since he didn’t believe in gravity. He was still on thin ice though.  
wakatoshiushijima: This video has very valuable information. I also liked the ads.

Prettyboyoikawa: u dumbass, evry1 knows the earth is round.

Kenma was furious when he saw Oikawa’s comment. How dare he insult Kenma by claiming that the earth is round! He probably believes in gravity too. He quickly typed out a reply.

flatearthsquad: you have sealed your fate

Kenma transformed into RIPPED KENMA and stood up suddenly.

“I’M GOING OUT. I’LL BE BACK SOON.”

“Oh no, Kenma where are you going?”

“TO TEACH THAT PRETTY BOY A LESSON.”

RIPPED KENMA stomped out the door and began running toward Miyagi. With each step he became faster, and soon he was running at the speed of light.

Finally, he reached Oikawa’s house. RIPPED KENMA kicked down the door. 

“TOORU OIKAWA, YOU WILL PAY FOR INSULTING ME.”

Oikawa screams “LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FLAT EARTHER.”

“YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR FATE.”


	2. Loser-kawa's lifeless body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pretty boy got what he deserved, and Iwaizumi is heartbroken. Is Ushijima a cheater? Stay tuned for the most dramatic chapter of RIPPED KENMA yet.

Iwa-chan always monitors Oikawa’s internet activity because he knows that Oikawa is an idiot, and he will someday piss the wrong person off. Despite Oikawa being an idiot, Iwa-chan loved him. He decided to sing a song about Idiot-kawa.

“Oikawa is an idiot, he is such a loser. LOOOOOSER-KAAWAAA. I hate that dumb pretty boy. But I also love hiiiiiim. LOSER-KAWAAAAAAAAAAA” 

Iwa-chan finished his song and was checking Oikawa’s YouTube comments. The first comment he sees is on Bokuto’s video, titled “LOOK AT THE OWL I DREW :)”

prettyboyoikawa: I’m a way better artist than you, idiot.  
owlboy: :’(((  
akaashi: your owl was beautiful, Bokuto-san. Oikawa, you have sealed your fate.

Iwa-chan facepalms at that. Of course that idiot was out there antagonizing people. One other comment stood out to him.

It was on a video titled “10 REASONS THE EARTH IS A SQUARE” from the channel flatearthsquad. 

Oh no, he knew that channel. That was RIPPED KENMA’s channel. Oikawa was in danger; he had to get to him before RIPPED KENMA did.

————————————————————————————————————————————------------------------------------------------

Iwa-chan ran through the doorway. He noticed Akaashi was also there holding a butcher knife. Unfortunately, RIPPED KENMA had gotten to Oikawa first. 

“WHERE IS THAT PRETTY BOY?!?” Akashi yelled at the top of his lungs. At the same time, Iwa-chan yelled out.  
“PLEASE RIPPED KENMA, SPARE OIKAWA.”

“RIPPED KENMA SPARES NO ONE” RIPPED KENMA responded, as threw Oikawa’s lifeless body at Iwa-chan

Iwa-chan falls to his knees. He holds Oikawa’s lifeless body and sobs.

Akaashi smiled wide. “Thank you, RIPPED KENMA-san. Were you also defending Bokuto-san’s honor?”

“NO, I SIMPLY KILLED HIM BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THE EARTH IS ROUND.”

“Ah, yes. Bokuto-san believes in flat earth as well.”

“DOES HE THINK GRAVITY EXISTS?”

“Ah, no. Probably not.”

“GOOD, I WILL ALLOW HIM TO LIVE.”

“Thank you, RIPPED KENMA-san.”  
————————————————————————————————————————————------------------------------------------------

Kuroo is sitting alone in his room, missing Kenma once again. He decides to sing his song again.  
“I’m always with my best friend keeeenma, we are always togeeeeether. Foreeeever. BFFL’s… but with benefits. We play video games and volleyball togeeeeeether foreeeeeever. Me and my best friend Keeeeeenma-“

Suddenly RIPPED KENMA breaks down Kuroo’s door.

“I KILLED OIKAWA.”

Kuroo sighs. “Yeah, I checked the comments on your YouTube video after you left suddenly. Kenma, you can’t just kill everyone who disagrees with you.”

“BUT KUROO, I ALLOW YOU TO LIVE AND YOU BELIEVE IN GRAVITY.”

“I suppose you have a point, but that still wasn’t very nice. Can you return to regular Kenma form please?”

Kenma shrinks back into his regular form. Kuroo is quiet for a moment and then speaks.

“Kenma, I can’t just let you kill everyone. For killing Oikawa and Yamamoto, you cannot have any Fortnite-O’s tonight and tomorrow.”

“Kuuuuuwoooooo” Kenma pouts.

“No Kenma, this isn’t up for negotiation. I’ve already hidden them where I know you won’t find them.” They were hidden under the bed. Kenma would never find them there.

Kenma sits down on the floor and begins to cry. Kuroo’s heart hurts to see his BFFL with benefits so sad, but he knows that if he doesn’t do this, Kenma will just keep killing people. And then they won’t have anyone to play volleyball against.

Even though Kenma is in trouble, Kuroo can’t help but comfort him. He kneels down in front of Kenma and pulls him into a hug, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Kuwoooo.” Kenma hiccups between sobs “Pwease let me have my Fortnite-o’s.”

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Kuroo shushes him until he runs out of breath.

He takes a deep breath, then speaks again.

“It’s okay, Kenma, you will get them back on Wednesday.”

Kenma clings to Kuroo and sobs until he falls asleep in his arms. Kuroo carries him to the bed and tucks him in.  
————————————————————————————————————————————------------------------------------------------  
The next day, Kuroo and Kenma attend Oikawa’s funeral. Kenma is wearing a wedding dress, and he told Kuroo to wear his best white suit. Kuroo did not question it. 

What makes you beautiful by One Direction plays. This was the song Oikawa requested at his funeral. After 3 minutes and 18 seconds, Kindaichi addresses the guests.

“Would anyone like to say a few words?”

Kenma transforms into RIPPED KENMA and walks up to stand by Oikawa’s casket.

“THAT PRETTY BOY GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO HIM”

Akaashi whoops from the audience. Bokuto looks surprised.

“Agaaashhi, are we really allowed to do that?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san, do it.”

Bokuto starts clapping, and soon the rest of guests join in. Loud cheers can be heard for miles, as his entire social media following was at the funeral too. 

RIPPED KENMA runs down the aisle, high fiving the guests as he makes his way to his seat.

Iwa-chan approaches the casket, and gets down on one knee.

“Shitty-kawa, I know you’re dead, but I love you. Will you marry me?.

Oikawa does not respond. Ushijima runs up to the casket. 

“Wait, Oikawa. Do not marry him. You should have come to Shiratorizawa. Marry me instead.”

Oikawa’s lifeless does not move. He does not respond because he’s dead. Iwa-chan gasps.

Tendou suddenly appears. “YOU CHEATER. RIPPED KENMA PLEASE KILL HIM.”

RIPPED KENMA gets up from his seat and walks to the front where Ushijima is standing.

“THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE THAN ROUND-EARTHERS ARE CHEATERS.”

RIPPED KENMA kills Ushijima and then picks him up by the hair and slams him into the casket next to Oikawa. 

Iwa-chan throws Ushijima’s body out of the casket and lays in the casket next to Oikawa for a nap.

“KENMA.” Kuroo yells “JUST FOR THAT, NO MORE FORTNITE-O’s FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.”

RIPPED KENMA transforms back into small Kenma and begins to pout.

“But Kuuuuuwwwwoooo” Kenma whines, tears forming in his eyes “I wanted to get mawwied today”

Kuroo softens at that. “You really wanna get married, Kenma?”

“Yes, kuwoo. That’s why I wore a wedding dress today.” Kenma pulls out his best puppy dog eyes, and Kuroo can’t say no to that adorable face.

“Okay Kenma, I forgive you. Let’s get married. Is anyone here ordained?”

Lev jumps up. “I am!”

Lev walks up to the front where Kuroo and Kenma have joined hands.

“Do you Kuroo, take Kenma to be your lawfully wedded husband.”

“I do.”

“Nice. Do you Kenma, take Kuroo to be your lawfully wedded husband.”

“Sure.”

“Cool. I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss your BFFL with benefits.”

Kenma and Kuroo kiss and everyone cheers again. 

“Can I have my Fortnite-O’s now please Kuwoo?”

“Of course, Kenma, that is the only thing we are serving at the wedding.”

Caterers show up with milk and Fortnite-O’s. They pour milk into every bowl before allowing guests to pour cereal. Kageyama just takes a bowl of milk. 

Kenma smiles and grabs Kuroo’s hand. 

“Let’s go eat!”


	3. *southern accent* apple pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sweet chapter with Kenma and Kuroo eating apple pie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lots of backstory for this one

Kuroo and Kenma were eating Fortnite-o’s together 2 weeks after their wedding. Kenma hadn’t killed anyone the whole time, so Kuroo had promised him apple pie for dessert. Kenma was very excited.

Kuroo was quiet for a moment and looked up from his Fortnite-o’s. “Kenma, how did you become ripped Kenma?”

“Well, when coach Nekomata was on his death bed….”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coach Nekomata was laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all different kinds of machines. He didn’t have much time left, but for some reason, he had asked to speak to Kenma alone.

“Kenma, come closer.” Kenma moved to his side.

“‘Sup coach?”

Coach Nekomata looked up at him with watery eyes. 

“Kenma, I have to tell you something very important. You may have noticed that sometimes… I’m suddenly really buff, and I can carry a ridiculous amount of volleyball equipment at once. I’ve always told you all that I just had an extremely fast metabolism, but I haven’t been honest with you. I was granted the power of rippedness. I can go in and out my ripped form at will. I am dying now, and I must pass this on to the next person. I have chosen you, Kenma, as you are often the most sensible on the team. Except that you don’t believe in gravity, but I’m sure that won’t affect the choices you make with my power.”

“Niiiiiiiiice”

“Yes, Kenma. It’s very nice. In order to gain my power, you must do one thing.”

“What is it, Coach?”

“Eat this!” Coach Nekomata pulled out a strand of his hair and held it out to Kenma, his face was suddenly shaded differently as he said it, but Kenma didn’t question it.

“It’s not Fortnite-o’s, but I guess.” Kenma took the hair and slurped it up like a noodle.

“Thank you, Kenma, my work here is done.” Coach Nekomata slowly closed his eyes as the heart monitor beeped, signaling the end of his life.

“Bye coach.” Kenma said and walked out of the hospital room. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I can’t believe coach Nekomata didn’t just have an extremely fast metabolism.” Kuroo said quietly to himself. He had been following coach’s diet and exercise plan very closely in order to obtain the same ultra fast metabolism.

“Wait, wasn’t that the same night you killed Asahi?” 

“Yes, I didn’t have full control of my power yet, and he said that Jesus made the earth round. The. Earth. Is. A. Flat. Square.” Kenma hands were balled into fists; he was angry. “I wasn’t planning to kill him, but he had it coming.”

Kuroo knew Kenma was too angry to reason with at the moment, so he didn’t argue with him.

“It’s okay, Kenma. Don’t think about it too much. Let’s have some apple pie.”

Kenma perked up at that and smiled wide.

“Yay!! Thank you, Kuroo!!”

Kenma began to sing a song

“I love apple pie, it’s so delicioooooooous. I only eat apple pie and Fortnite-o’s. And haaaaaaair. It’s so yummy in my tummy! Apple pie is the beeeeeeest.”

Kuroo smiled fondly while watching Kenma sing his apple pie song. He was so cute, and Kuroo was smitten.

Within an hour, Kenma has eaten eight full apple pies.

“Okay Kenma, that’s enough. We should go to bed before you get a tummy ache.” 

Kenma suddenly transforms into RIPPED KENMA.

“I WANT MORE!”

“Kenma, do you wanna lose your Fortnite-o’s again?”  
‘  
Kenma shrinks back into his normal form and begins to cry.

“Kuuuuwwwooo pwease let me have more apple pie.” Kenma sniffles, tears running down his cheeks.

Kuroo softens and wipes his tears away. 

“Okay, one more since you didn’t kill anyone for a whole two weeks. But that’s it, or you’ll get a tummy ache.”

Kenma sniffles again but smiles, “Okay Kuwoo.” As much as he wanted to eat more, he knew Kuroo was right about the tummy ache. And Kenma hated tummy aches.

Kenma eats the last apple pie in less than a minute and then turns to Kuroo and smiles. 

“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go to bed.”


	4. Kuroo got in trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo is stealing glasses, and he must be stopped.

It was midnight, Kuroo was at Oikawa’s grave. Iwa-chan was sleeping soundly next to the tombstone. Kuroo tried to shake him awake, but he just snored and rolled over. Instead Kuroo rolled Iwa-chan’s body over further and picked up his shovel.

It took Kuroo 28 hours to dig up Oikawa’s grave, but finally he had reached his goal. Iwa-chan was still sleeping, so Kuroo left the shovel with him to re-bury the grave. Kenma had just started a new game when Kuroo left, so he probably wouldn’t have noticed that Kuroo was gone yet. Still, he had to get home soon so that he could make Kenma his Fortnite-o’s. Fortunately, he had found what he came for. He pulled the glasses off of Oikawa’s face and put them on. Perfect.  
————————————————————————————————————————————  
Kuroo returned home at 4:30 AM; as expected Kenma was still playing his game. Kuroo walked over and kissed Kenma on the cheek. 

“Hi Kuroo.” Kenma said without looking up from his game.

“Hi, you want some Fortnite-o’s?”

Kenma thought about it for a second. He was rather hungry; he wasn’t sure how long he’d been playing his game, but it must have been a while. “Yes, please.”

Kenma stood up and followed Kuroo to the kitchen. Kuroo poured the bowl of Fortnite-o’s, milk first. He turned around and handed the bowl to Kenma, and tried to turn away quickly. It was too late though, Kenma had already seen the glasses.

“Kuroo.”

Kuroo fidgeted nervously, “Yes Kenma?”

“Turn around, Kuroo.”

Kuroo gulped and turned around to face Kenma. His eyes were wide with fear, knowing he’d been caught.

“Where did you get those glasses?” Kenma asked

Kuroo tried to play it cool. “What are you talking about? These are my glasses.”

“Your glasses are square, Kuroo.”

“Well you see I went to the glasses store to get some new ones cause my old ones we-“

“Kuroo,” Kenma interrupted, “Tell me the truth or no volleyball for a week.”

Tears welled up in Kuroo’s eyes; he hung his head in defeat. He knew there was no arguing with Kenma, and he did not want to lose volleyball.

“I dug up Oikawa’s grave and took them off of him.” He sniffled. Tears were streaming down his face now. “Can I just keep them for a little bit?”

Kenma smiled softly. Kuroo knew he wasn’t supposed to steal glasses, but he was very cute when he cried. “Okay, you can keep them for now, but I’m going to text Iwa-chan to pick them up.”

Kuroo sniffed and gave a small smile. “Okay.”

“Come on, Kuroo. We were up all night; let’s sleep for a bit.” Kenma transformed into RIPPED KENMA.

“WE CAN CUDDLE.”

“Yay!!’ Kuroo jumped up excitedly and ran to the bed. He laid his head on RIPPED KENMA’S beefy arms and drifted off to sleep.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————  
Kuroo and RIPPED KENMA woke up to a knock at the door. They opened the door to see Iwa-chan.

“HELLO, IWA-CHAN. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO GET OIKAWA’S GLASSES.” RIPPED KENMA said.

“Sure.” Iwa-chan replied “I would have come sooner, but I only woke up a half an hour ago and I had to re-bury Oikawa.”

“KUROO, PLEASE GIVE IWA-CHAN OIKAWA’S GLASSES.”

Kuroo hesitated. He was still wearing the glasses; he didn’t want to take them off.

“KUROO.”

Kuroo pouted but took the glasses off and handed them to Iwa-chan. As much as he wanted to keep them, the consequences were too great for him to bear.

“Thank you, Kuroo. Thanks, RIPPED KENMA. I’ll see you guys at our next volleyball match.”

Iwa-chan turned around and Fortnite danced away.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Today, Nekoma had a practice game with Karasuno. Kenma was very excited to see Shoyo. He did not care much about the rest of the game. 

“KEEEEENMAAAA!!” Shoyo jumped up excitedly when Kenma walked in. “Are you ready to play? We’re gonna win!! Prepare to lose!”  
Kenma chuckled softly “Hi Shoyo. We’ll see about that.”

They ended up winning 4 sets and losing 3. Shoyo kept insisting on more games, but Kenma couldn’t take anymore. And he wasn’t allowed to transform into RIPPED KENMA during a game because he would hit the ball too hard and pop it. After the game Sugawara approached him.

“Kenma, I have a request.” Sugawara said quietly

“Yee, what’s up?” Kenma replied.

“Well you might have noticed that Kageyama was being mean to Hinata during the game. Hinata is a sweet baby, will you please transform into RIPPED KENMA and kill him?”

Kenma considered it. Hinata truly was a sweet baby, but Kageyama was also a very loyal flat earther and gravity hater just like he was. Fortunately, he had a good solution.

“Sorry, I can’t. It would be a shame to lose another flat earther. You believe in flat earth, don’t you?”

Suga did not, but he knew better than to piss off Kenma.

“Of course, I also believe that gravity is fake.” He did not.

“Very good. I have a solution that might help. You can simply take away Kageyama’s milk for a week. I have watched his vlogs; he will be devastated.”

“Ahh, that’s smart. Thanks Kenma!” Sugawara skipped away happily.

A few minutes later, Yamaguchi led Tsukkishima out of the locker room. He looked different for some reason that Kenma couldn’t place.

“Has anyone seen my glasses?” Tsukkishima announced to the room

Ah, there was the difference. He wasn’t wearing his glasses. Kenma immediately searched the room for Kuroo, but did not see him where he was hiding behind Yaku.

“Kuroo. Come out here right now.” 

Kuroo knew he was in for it if Kenma found him with Tsukkishima’s glasses. He ducked down lower behind Yaku, but Yaku wasn’t having it.

“Ohhh no, I am not getting on Kenma’s bad side. Go to your boyfriend.”

Kuroo hung his head in shame and walked over to Kenma. Maybe he would still be able to get out of it. This time he put the glasses in his pocket instead of wearing them right away.

“Kuroo. Where are Tsukkishima’s glasses?” 

Kuroo looked up at Kenma and pouted. “I-I don’t know.”

“Don’t lie to me, Kuroo.” Kenma responded.

Kuroo began to cry and pulled the glasses out of his pocket. Kenma took them from him and gave them back to Tsukkishima.

“Listen up, everyone.” Kenma addressed the whole gym. “Kuroo is not allowed to play volleyball for 23 days, 4 hours and 17 minutes. If any of you play with him, you will have to deal with me.”

The room was silent except for Kuroo, who was laying on the floor, crying. Everyone knew not to argue with Kenma.

Kenma grabbed Kuroo’s hand and led him outside. Even though Kuroo was in trouble for stealing glasses, Kenma did feel bad for him. He wiped away Kuroo’s tears and kissed him on the cheek.

“Come on, we’ll fly home today.” Flying always cheered Kuroo up. Kenma picked Kuroo up bridal style and floated into the air. He was somehow strong enough to carry Kuroo even when he wasn’t in his ripped form. As they flew through the air, Kuroo giggled happily and Kenma smiled. He really did love Kuroo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In loving memory of Tooru Oikawa. Age: 18. His favorite food was milk bread; his personal motto was if you're gonna hit it, hit it 'til it breaks. But on that fateful day, he regretted that the most, as RIPPED KENMA hit him 'til he broke.


	5. Bro day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma plans a bro day to cheer Kuroo up after taking his volleyball privileges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to OH OH OH OZEMPIC for the idea to kill Elon Musk. Also credit to my nephew who came up with the line "I kiss the homies goodnight every morning"

It’s been 5 days, 2 hours, and 8 minutes since Kuroo lost volleyball. He had 18 days, 2 hours, and 9 minutes to go until he could play volleyball again. Kuroo has not stopped crying since they landed. 

Kenma had tried to cheer him up with cuddles and Fortnite-o’s, but he was inconsolable. Kenma knew what he had to do; he needed to plan a bro day. Kenma made a group chat with: Akaashi, Bokuto, Yaku, Lev, Shoyo, Tsukkishima, and Yamaguchi. 

Kenma: hello. you are all coming to a bro day at Chuck E. Cheese tonight at 6:43. do not be late

Lev: yay sounds like fun! but I heard odd numbers are bad luck, can we do 6:48?

Kenma: fine

Yaku: If Lev’s going, I’m not going.

Kenma: If you don’t come, you’ll do extra practice with Lev til 12:00 AM

Yaku: :(

Bokuto: HEY HEY HEY! Anything for my bro!

Akaashi: I will be there with Bokuto-san

Shoyo: I’ll be there! :p

Tsukkishima: Fine.

Yamaguchi: Tsukki is very excited! He wants to win the big dinosaur plush!

Kenma: Okay, see you all there. Bokuto, wear your bro shirt.

Bokuto: MY BRO SHIRT YES.

“Kuroo, we are going somewhere. Get ready to go.”

Kuro sniffles, “W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-where?”

“It’s a surprise. Don’t cry anymore, we’ll fly there, okay?” Kenma offers his hand to Kuroo to help him off the floor.

“Change into your bro shirt and we’ll go.” Kenma tells him.

“My bro shirt?” Kuroo perks up at that. For the first time since he lost volleyball, he seems excited. He goes to the room and comes out in a purple crop top that says “#blessed” in yellow letters and some high waisted shorts.

“I’m ready.” Kuroo says, then runs and jumps into Kenma’s arms. Kenma carries him outside and they fly away at mach 20 speed.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Kenma and Kuroo arrive at Chuck E. Cheese at exactly 6:48 PM, as planned. Akaashi, Bokuto, Yaku, Lev, Shoyo, Tsukkishima, and Yamaguchi were standing outside waiting.

As soon as Kenma put Kuroo down, Kuroo and Bokuto ran toward each other for an epic bro hug.

“BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I MISSED YOU. Kenma!!!! Please get a picture of me and Bokuto in our bro shirts.” Bokuto was also wearing a purple crop top that said “#blessed” in yellow writing and high waisted shorts. Kenma pulled out his phone and took a picture of Kuroo and Bokuto holding up peace signs. 

Kenma smiled and showed them the picture. They high fived.

“Alright, let’s go in.” Kenma says.

“Can we all hold hands please?” Kuroo asks with a little pout. His puppy dog eyes are too cute for anyone to resist. Everyone joins hands, and they walk in. They sit down together at a party table. Suddenly Shoyo jumps up.

“Kageyama is here!” He runs over to Kageyama who is playing the game where you stomp on the spiders. There is a blonde boy that Shoyo does not recognize waiting patiently for his turn. He looks like he belongs in a church.

“Kageyama!! What are you doing here?” Shoyo asked

“Hinata boke, you know I come every Friday cause I like the games.” 

“Oh yeah, I forgot! This is where we got together. Well if you wanna join us, we’re having a bro day!”

“No thanks, I wanna keep playing games.” Kageyama responds.

Shoyo returns to the group in time to hear Tsukkishima ask to talk to Yaku separately.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————

“Just hurry up and kiss Lev already; we all know you’re in love with him.”

Yaku sputters, “I am not! I hate that giraffe!”

Tsukkishima smirks, “Sure you do.” 

He walks back to the table and announces:

“We should play truth or dare.” Yaku glares at him

“YESSSS” Bokuto yells excitedly “Who wants to go first?”

“Me!!” Lev exclaims “Bokuto, truth or dare?”

“DARE BRO” Bokuto exclaims

“Hmmm. I dare you to kiss Kuroo.” Lev giggles 

“Are Kenma and Akaashi gonna be okay with that?” Yamaguchi asks.

“Yeeeeee, it’s cool. They kiss the homies goodnight every morning. And they say no homo every time.” Kenma responds

“Yes, I am used to it at this point. As long as Bokuto-san is happy, I don’t mind.”

Kuroo leans over the table where he is sitting across from Bokuto and kisses Bokuto for 3 minutes and 15 seconds. “No homo.” They say to each other while staring into each other’s eyes lovingly.

“Okay, Tsukkishima, truth or dare?” Kuroo asks.

“Truth.” Tsukkishima responds. 

Bokuto boos loudly but then says, “Ask him if he likes owls!!”

“Okay, do you like owls, Tsukkishima?”

“No.” Tsukkishima responds coldly. Bokuto starts crying.

Akaashi walks over to Tsukkishima and slaps him in the face. 

“Apologize to Bokuto-san.” 

Yamaguchi jumps up! “Nobody slaps Tsukki!”

Akaashi glares at him “He made Bokuto-san cry. Let’s settle this in the corner.”  
Yamaguchi and Akaashi walk to the corner. Yamaguchi slaps Akaashi.

“Okay, your turn.” Akaashi slaps Yamaguchi. They continue slapping each other back and forth until Tsukkishima walks over and stops them.

“Stop slapping each other, I apologized to Bokuto, and Kuroo’s comforting him anyway. Akaashi and Yamaguchi looked over to see Bokuto is laying with his head in Kuroo’s lap while Kuroo pets his hair.

“My turn.” Tsukkishima smirks “Yaku, truth or dare?”

Yaku narrows his eyes. He knows Tsukkishima is up to something, but he would never back down from a challenge. “Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss Lev for 14 minutes and 28 seconds.” 

“Wait what??” Yaku responds

Lev is as red as a red fidget spinner. 

“Don’t chicken out now, Yaku.” Tsukkishima says with a devious smirk.

Bokuto and Kuroo start whooping.

“Fine” Yaku responds. He pulls Lev by his collar into a kiss. Tsukkishima sets a timer.

“Since Yaku is busy kissing Lev, Akaashi, you go.” Kuroo says 

“Okay,” Akaashi responds “Kenma, truth or dare?”

Kenma thinks about it for a second. He knows if he picks truth, Kuroo will whine, and this day is about Kuroo.

“Dare.” Kenma responds. Kuroo claps excitedly.

“Okay Kenma, I dare you to transform into RIPPED KENMA and kill the Chuck E. Cheese mascot. I heard he was a round earther.” 

That’s all Kenma needed to hear. He suddenly transforms into RIPPED KENMA, and walks over to the Chuck E. Cheese mascot who is entertaining at a child’s birthday party. He rips the head off of the mascot and throws it on the ground. Elon Musk’s head rolls out of the costume head and all the children yelled in unison:

“BOO ELON MUSK!!!”

All of the kids and their parents start cheering. One of the kids walks up to RIPPED KENMA

“Wow RIPPED KENMA! I haven’t seen you since Oikawa’s funeral. Can I have your autograph?” RIPPED KENMA smiled at the child.

“OF COURSE. DID YOU KNOW THE PRETTY BOY?” RIPPED KENMA asks.

“No, I followed him on instagram. My name is Sora.” The child responds.

“AHHH VERY GOOD SORA. DO YOU KNOW THAT THE EARTH IS A FLAT SQUARE AND GRAVITY DOESN’T EXIST?” RIPPED KENMA asks Sora.

“No, I didn’t know that. I’ll tell all my friends.” Sora jumps up and down excitedly.

“YES, TELL EVERYONE AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL FLATEARTHSQUAD FOR MORE FACTS.” RIPPED KENMA walks back to the group and transforms into regular Kenma.

Kuroo does not seem bothered by the fact that Kenma just killed someone again. In fact, he and the others are all cheering.

“Yay Kenma!!! I hate Elon Musk! Good job.” Kenma smiles, it’s nice to see Kuroo happy about one his murders. Suddenly, the timer on Tsukkishima’s phone goes off.

“Times up, you can stop kissing now!” Tsukkishima says to Yaku and Lev. Yaku flips him off and continues kissing Lev. Tsukkishima shrugs, and turns to Kenma. ”Your turn.”

“Bokuto, truth or dare.” Kenma says

“Oooohhh dare for sure!!!” Bokuto jumps up excitedly from his seat and poses like Aoyama from My Hero Academia when he uses his belly button laser.  
Kenma smiles mischievously, “I dare you to steal that kid’s tickets.” Kenma points at child playing a racecar game.

Bokuto tiptoes over secretively, occasionally rolling behind games like someone from a James Bond movie. He walks up behind the kid and grabs his tickets. Bokuto runs away giggling. The child follows Bokuto to where the rest of the group is and kicks him in the shin.

Akaashi is furious. He stands up and walks over to the kid. “If you were not a child, I would fight you. No one disrespects Bokuto-san.”

“You’re just a wimp!” The little kid responds. 

“You little brat!” Akaashi responds. He picks up the kid and throws him out of Chuck E. Cheese. 

A few minutes later, Karen walks over to the manager.   
“Have you seen our son Timmy?” She shows a picture of the kid that Akaashi kicked out.

“Oh yeah, he was banned from here for kicking someone in the shin.”

“Wait, there’s like two men kissing in the corner over there. You should kick them out! They’re turning these kids gay!”

“Shut up, Karen no one likes you. Get out.”

Karen stomped out angrily.

Tsukkishima took the tickets that Bokuto stole from the kid and traded them for a dinosaur plushie.

Kuroo and Akaashi are comforting Bokuto, and Kenma is telling Shoyo about his new game. Bokuto finally stops crying after 30 minutes. Lev and Yaku are still kissing. 

Bokuto sits up excitedly, as if nothing happened. “Hinata!! Truth or dare?”

“Ummmm, dare!” Hinata responds, excited to finally be picked.

“I dare you to spike Elon Musk’s head at Kageyama. Akaashi will set for you.” Bokuto says.

“I did not volunteer for this Bokuto-san.” Akaashi responds.

“Please Akaaaaashi???” Bokuto says as he bats his eyelashes and gives his best puppy dog eyes. Akaashi is physically incapable of denying him when he looks so cute.

“Of course, Bokuto-san. Come on, Hinata.” Akaashi walks over to the body.

Hinata jumps up excitedly and bounces over to Elon Musk’s severed head. 

Akaashi throws Elon Musk’s severed head into the air and sets it to the perfect position for Hinata to spike the ball at the back of Kageyama’s head. Kageyama falls down and knocks over the cup of milk next to him. Kageyama turns around angrily.

“HINATA BOKE YOU MADE ME SPILL MY MILK.” He stomps toward Hinata, who is backing away nervously.

“I’m sorry Kageyama!! I’ll buy you three gallons of milk!!!!”

Kageyama stops and considers it. “Make it 5 gallons and a new volleyball.” 

“Deal!” Hinata responds and kisses Kageyama on the cheek. It’s better than the 20 gallons he usually has to buy. Kageyama blushes, his face as red as a red fidget spinner and goes back to his game.

A voice comes over the intercom “It is 1 AM, Chuck E. Cheese is now closing.”

Lev and Yaku finally pull apart. “Oh is it time to go?” Yaku asks

“Yeah, they’re closing. Hey Kenma! Can we have a sleepover with everyone at the house?” Kuroo asks, using the same puppy dog eyes and eyelash batting tactics that Bokuto used on Akaashi. It was just as effective on Kenma.

“Of course, Kuroo.”

They all walked outside together. 

“You guys can fly with us. Everyone hold hands.” All the bros hold hands and rise into the air. They flew at mach 20 with Kenma back to Kuroo and Kenma’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fun facts about the characters:
> 
> Kenma's ability to fly comes from eating so many Fortnite-o's. However, Kenma believes that he can fly because gravity does not exist.  
> Kuroo does not care about RIPPED KENMA killing people unless it directly affects his ability to play volleyball.


	6. Bro Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for a special performance by Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice But Not Nice! And summoning a dead friend.

All the bros land on the ground safely outside Kuroo and Kenma’s house. Tsukkishima fell down and Yamaguchi was helping him up. Bokuto bent down to let Kuroo get on his back for a piggyback ride and ran him into the house. Kuroo was giggling the whole time. Soon after the rest of the boys joined them in the house. 

“Kenmaaaaaa! Can we put on our Attack on Titan cosplays??” Kuroo asks

“Sure why not?” Kenma responds, “Everyone go put on your Attack on Titan cosplays.”

“I don’t have an Attack on Titan cosplay! Can I dress up like Emma from the Promised Neverland? Kageyama said I look like her.” Shoyo asks while pouting 

“You can do whatever you want Shoyo, and Kuroo is not allowed to complain.” Shoyo jumps up excitedly and runs to change.

Bokuto and Kuroo come out of the room; they are both dressed up like Eren in titan form.

“Brooooooo!! We chose the same cosplay!” Bokuto and Kuroo jump up and high five with both hands. Akaashi walks out in a Mikasa cosplay.

“Bokuto-san, you and Kuroo bought those cosplays together.” Akaashi points out.

“Ohhh yeah. Well you know I have to match with my best bro.” Bokuto responds

“Awww bro.” Kuroo and Bokuto look at each other fondly.

Kenma walks away and comes back dressed as the female titan aka Annie in titan form. Tsukkishima walks out dressed as Jean. He is wearing contacts, so his glasses are sitting on a nearby shelf. Kuroo looks at Tsukkishima’s glasses longingly. He wants to take them so badly, but he can’t risk losing more volleyball. He pouts and goes to hug Bokuto for comfort.

Yamaguchi walks out dressed as Marco. He walks over to Tsukkishima and holds his hand. Lev and Yaku come out holding hands. Lev dressed as the colassol titan, and Yaku is dressed as the armored titan.

There’s a knock at the door. Kuroo and Bokuto pull away from each other to answer it. Iwa-chan is standing there dressed as Erwin.

“Oh my god it’s Erwin!” Kuroo jumps up excitedly and claps his hands. Bokuto begins jumping and clapping with him. 

“Sorry Kuroo, but it’s just me, Iwa-chan.” Iwa-chan says.

“I don’t believe you!” Kuroo responds. 

Iwa-chan dramatically throws off his wig to reveal a Dio wig underneath.

“Actually, it was me, Dio!” 

Kuroo and Bokuto gasp dramatically

“Just kidding!” Iwa-chan says, taking off the Dio wig to reveal his own hair. “I decided to cosplay today in memory of Oikawa. Attack on Titan was Loser-kawa’s favorite anime.”

“Oh! It really is you, Iwa-chan! What are you doing here?” Kuroo asks

“I was just lonely, so I thought I’d come by.” Even though it was 2 in the morning, no one questioned it.

“Oh well, you should come hang out with us! We’re having a sleepover.” Bokuto says

“Yeah, come in!” Kuroo says “And put your Erwin wig back on.” Iwa-chan, Kuroo, and Bokuto walk into the house.

“Oh my god, it’s Erwin!” Lev says, jumping up and clapping excitedly.

“Actually, it’s just Iwa-chan” Kuroo and Bokuto say in unison.

“Oh, Hi Iwa-chan! Okay, what are we gonna do right now?” Lev asks 

“Well, I was gonna do a ritual with Kageyama today, but we never had time. So could we do one?” Shoyo says

“Of course, Shoyo.” Kenma responds “What kind of ritual should we do?

“Maybe we could summon Shitty-kawa? I miss that loser.” Iwa-chan says while crying softly

“Yes, that’s a great idea Iwa-chan.” Kenma responds. “Do you still have his glasses?”

“Yes, they’re in my pocket.” Iwa-chan pulls out Oikawa’s glasses.

“Okay, I need to get my ritual supplies from the room. I’ll be right back. Akaashi, Kuroo, and Bokuto, please come with me; we need to talk about something.” Akaashi, Kuroo, and Bokuto follow Kenma into the room.

“Akaashi and I have been talking lately. It’s obvious that you are in love with each other.” Kenma says to Kuroo and Bokuto. Kuroo and Bokuto are in a loving embrace, looking into each other’s eyes. They turn to look at Kenma and Akaashi.

“What do you mean? We’re just bros.” Kuroo says.

“Yeah, we always say no homo!” Bokuto adds.

“Plus, you guys are our boyfriends. We would never cheat on you!” Kuroo says, pouting.

“It’s okay.“ Kenma responds “We love both of you too.”

“We decided that it would be best if we’re all in a relationship together.” Akaashi says

“Yeeee.” Kenma adds

“Well, that sounds nice. But does that mean me and Kuroo can’t say no homo anymore?” Bokuto responds sadly

“Bro, we can say full homo now!” Kuroo says and then kisses Bokuto for 5 minutes and 30 seconds. They pull apart and look into each other’s eyes lovingly. “Full homo.”

They turn to Kenma and Akaashi. “Okay your turn.”

Kenma and Akaashi kiss for 5 minutes and 30 seconds. When they pull away, they don’t say full homo, but it’s implied. After that, Kuroo and Akaashi kiss for 5 minutes and 30 seconds while Bokuto and Kenma kiss for 5 minutes and 30 seconds. 

“Full homo.” They all say together, while staring into each other’s eyes lovingly. Their relationship is now official. 

“You guys wanna move in now?” Kuroo asks

“Yes, I already brought mine and Bokuto-san’s stuff over just in case.”

“Nice.” Kenma says 

“It’s a good thing our bed is huge, so we can all cuddle!” Kuroo says excitedly

“YAAAAAAY CUDDLE PARTY.” Bokuto picks Kuroo up and spins him around.

“Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, we will have a cuddle party later. For now, let’s go entertain the guests while Kenma gathers the supplies.” Akaashi says.

Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi leave while Kenma grabs the volleyball that he hid under the bed. Kuroo would never find it there. He also grabs some candles and rose petals that they have for some reason.

Kenma walks out to the living room and arranges the candles in a circle. In the middle of the circle, he puts the volleyball. Iwa-chan brings Oikawa’s glasses and puts them next to the volleyball. Kuroo looks longingly at the glasses and the volleyball. Bokuto squeezes his hand reassuringly. Then, Kenma spreads the rose petals over the items. He then lights all the candles. Everyone sits in a circle around the candles. Bokuto is sitting in Kuroo’s lap. 

“We have to start the ritual with a kiss. Who should it be?” Kenma asks

“Well,” says Iwa-chan. “Oikawa really shipped Lev and Yaku. He even wrote fan fiction about them, so they should kiss.” 

Lev blushes, but gets up and walks to the corner with Yaku. They start kissing.  
Suddenly, the candles start flickering and the cabinets in the kitchen start opening and closing.

Oikawa’s ghost suddenly appears in the middle of the circle.

“EEEEEKKK, MY OTP!!” Oikawa squeals

“Shitty-kawa!!!” Iwa-chan cries, tears are streaming down his face. “I missed you.”

“Iwa-chan! I missed you too. Also, I heard you proposing at my funeral, but I couldn’t respond since I was dead. Yes I will marry you. And thank you, Kenma, for killing Ushijima as RIPPED KENMA. I hate that guy.” 

“You’re welcome.” Kenma responds.

He decides not to mention that he still believes the earth is round. In that moment, Ushijima’s ghosts shows up.

“You should have come to Shiratorizawa.” He says to Oikawa, then he floats through the wall and leaves.

Suddenly, the volleyball starts spinning rapidly and transforms into Kageyama.

“I knew that volleyball looked familiar!” Shoyo exclaims. Everyone else looks confused.

“Oh right, only Shoyo has seen my true form. Umm, my true form is a volleyball.” Everyone just accepts this. Kageyama walks over to sit next to Shoyo.

Even though the ritual has been completed, Yaku and Lev are still kissing.

“Hey! What day is it?” Oikawa’s ghost asks

“It’s December 20th.” Akaashi responds.

“Oh! I have a performance tonight with my boyband, Sugar (Sugawara), Spice (Terushima), and Everything Nice But Not Nice (Oikawa)! Now I can make it! Gotta go! You can all come to the Wal-Mart parking lot at 5:52 AM if you wanna see! He proceeds to hand them all tickets with backstage passes.”

“Sounds good to me.” Kenma responds, “We’ll see you there!”

—————————————————————————————————————————————

They all arrived at the Wal-Mart parking lot, except Lev and Yaku, who were still kissing in the corner of Kuroo, Kenma, Akaashi, and Bokuto’s living room. Kuroo and Bokuto are wearing matching unicorn onesies. 

There is a huge crowd in front of a stage, filled with all of Oikawa’s social media following. The players from the Date Tech team are standing in front of the stage with their arms up, as if they’re blocking, in order to create the iron wall of Date Tech.

“Yoohoo! It’s me, Oikawa!” Oikawa’s ghost says and winks at the crowd. The crowd cheers wildly.

“I’m Suga!” Sugawara said, then threw up a peace sign.

“And I’m Terushima!” Terushima says and sticks out his tongue to show off his tongue piercing.

“And we are” They all say together

“Sugar!” Suga yells.

“Spice!” Terushima yells next

“And everything nice but not nice!” Oikawa’s ghost finishes

“We have a very special new song for all of you today that I wrote about myself!” Oikawa’s ghost says, “It’s called What Makes Me Beautiful.”

The music starts, Suga, Terushima, and Oikawa’s ghost all start synchronized dancing. Oikawa’s ghost starts to sing.

“I’m not insecure,  
I know what for.  
I’m turning heads when I walk through the do-o-or  
Don’t need make up to cover up,  
Being the way that I am is enou-ou-ough

Everyone else in the room can see it,  
Everyone else, and meeeeeee

IWA YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE  
THE WAY THAT YOU SPIKE THE BALL GETS ME OVERWHELMED  
AND WHEN YOU SCORE ALL THOSE POINTS,  
IT’S NOT HARD TO TELL THAT YOU KNOOOOOOOW-OH-OH  
YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEAUTIFUL OH-OH  
THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME BEAUTIFUL

I ONLY NEED TO LOOK IN A MIRROR TO SEE  
AND UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT ME DESPERATELY  
RIGHT NOW YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME AND  
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU KNOW-OH-OH  
YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEAUTIFUL”

Suga begins singing the next part  
“Daichi come on, you got it wrong!  
To prove I’m right, I’ll put it in a so-o-ong  
Don’t know why, you’re acting shy,  
And turn away when I look into your ey-ey-eyes

EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM CAN SEE IIIITT,  
EVERYONE ELSE AND YOOOOOOU  
DAICHI I LIGHT UP YOUR WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE,  
THE WAY THAT I SET THE BALL GETS YOU OVERWHELMED  
AND WHEN YOU CAPTAIN THE TEAM,  
IT’S NOT HARD TO TELL THAT YOU KNOOOOOW-OH-OH  
YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEAUTIFUL

I KNOW THAT YOU CAN SEE WHAT I SEE,  
I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT ME SO DESPERATELY  
RIGHT NOW I’M LOOKING AT YOU AND I CAN BELIEVE,  
THAT YOU KNOOOOOW-OH-OH  
YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEAUTIFUL”

They all begin singing the na-na-na part together. Then Terushima cuts in, his voice softer

“Mad-dog I light up your world like nobody else  
The way that my tongue is pierced gets you overwhelmed.  
And when put on your eyeliner, it’s not hard to tell  
THAT YOU’RE INTO  
THAT YOU ARE INTO EDGY BOOOOOOOYS

I’M GLAD THAT I GOT MY TONGUE PIERCING  
I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT ME SO DESPERATELY  
RIGHT NOW YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME AND I CAN BELIEVE”

Oikawa’s ghost and Suga join in for the last few lines

THAT YOU KNOW-OH-OH  
YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEAUTIFUL OH-OH  
YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEAUTIFUL OH-OH  
THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME BEAUTIFUL.”

Their performance ends and the crowd cheers wildly. The manager of Wal-Mart walks up on stage. 

“Oh my god, I’m your biggest fan! Can I get your autographs?” He asks

“Sure” Oikawa’s ghost responds, “Here take these backstage passes.”

“OMG OMG OMG!” The manager squeals “I was supposed to tell you to leave because some Karen was mad, but you’re all too cool, so you can stay as long as you like.” The manager walks off stage and joins the crowd.

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice But Not Nice continues playing songs until 3:00 PM the next day.

Akaashi, Kenma, Bokuto, and Kuroo say bye to Tsukkishima, Yamaguchi, Shoyo, and Kageyama. Kageyama has transformed back into a volleyball and is being held by Shoyo. 

The four boyfriends all hold hands and float in the air to fly home. When they get home, Lev and Yaku are still kissing. Kenma transforms into RIPPED KENMA and picks Lev and Yaku up. He places them outside. They do not stop kissing. 

RIPPED KENMA walks back into the house to find Kuroo, Akaashi and Bokuto cuddling on the bed.

“Kenma! Please stay in ripped form so I can lay my head on your beefy arms.” Bokuto pouts and bats his eyelashes

“I wanna lay on your beefy arms too!” Kuroo yells

“Wait but what about Akaashi?” Bokuto asks “RIPPED KENMA only has two beefy arms.

“I HAVE A SOLUTION. AKAASHI CAN CUDDLE MY RIPPLING ABS.”

“Thank you, RIPPED KENMA-san, but how?”

“LIKE THIS.” RIPPED KENMA lays down on his back and moves Akaashi so that he is laying on top of RIPPED KENMA. Then, Kuroo rests his head on the left beefy arm while Bokuto lays on the right beefy arm.

“Yaaaaaaaay!!” Bokuto, Kuroo, and Akaashi say at the same time. “We love you RIPPED KENMA!”

“I LOVE YOU TOO.” RIPPED KENMA responds.

After that, it’s quiet and they all drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for legal purposes, we are not affiliated with one direction
> 
> Kenma also believes that Earth is the only actual planet, every other planet is a lie.  
> Lev and Yaku were kissing for abour 37 hours before RIPPED KENMA moved them.  
> Kuroo's grandma still lives in the house with all of them.


	7. Christmas Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Santa is dead. Kenma's parents show up. Oikawa?

It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock at the door. Bokuto jumped out of bed and ran over to answer it.

“HEY HEY HEY.” Bokuto yells as he opens the door. Kenma’s parents are standing next to where Yaku and Lev are still kissing. 

“Umm, hey. We’re Kenma’s parents. These guys are just kissing right here. Are they supposed to be here?”

RIPPED KENMA, Akashi, and Kuroo walk up behind Bokuto.

“DON’T WORRY, I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT.” RIPPED KENMA picks up Lev and Yaku, who did not stop kissing. Then, he throws them in the air and drop kicks them. They fly through the air, not pulling apart once. Lev and Yaku fall into the chimney at Lev’s house. When they hit the ground, they pull away from each other, confused.

“Where are we?” Yaku asks

“We’re in my house.” Lev replies. They turn to see Lev’s family in the living room.

“Lev, you didn’t tell us you had a boyfriend.” A tall, silver haired man says with a Russian accent “Who is this?”

“Hey! I recognize him from your games!” A shorter man with black hair responds. He does not have a Russian accent.

“Called it!” Lev’s sister, Alisa says. “Kuroo owes me $20.”

“Oh yeah, this is Yaku. Yaku these are my dads, Yuri and Viktor, and my uncles Yuri, you can call him Yurio-“

“Do not call me that!” Yurio yells. He also has a Russian accent 

“and Otabek. And you’ve met my sister before.” Yaku is still hung up on the fact that these people think he’s dating this overgrown buffoon. 

“Nice to meet all of you, but I am not dating the Tokyo tower over here.” Yaku scowls

Yurio bursts out laughing, “Lev is the Tokyo tower!! I like this kid; do you wanna stay for dinner?” 

“Well, I am pretty hungry.” Lev and Yaku have not eaten the entire time they were kissing. Yaku realizes that it’s been more than four days. 

“For dinner we’re having my favorite! Pork cutlet bowsl!” Yuri tells him excitedly

Lev starts jumping up and down excitedly. He loves pork cutlet bowls. Yaku looks at him fondly, but he would never admit it.————————————————————————————————————————————

“HELLO MOM AND DAD. THESE ARE MY BOYFRIENDS, AKAASHI AND BOKUTO, AND YOU ALREADY KNOW MY BFFL WITH BENEFITS/HUSBAND KUROO.” RIPPED KENMA says gesturing to each of them

“Yeee. We saw the wedding livestreamed on Kageyama’s vlogs.” Kenma’s mom says.

“Ohh you follow Kageyama?” Bokuto asks

“Of course, he is a loyal flat earther, after all.” Kenma’s dad responds

“And his milk reviews are really good.” His mom adds, nodding enthusiastically

“YES, ALTHOUGH HE ANNOYS ME BY TAKING SHOYO’S ATTENTION, I ALLOW HIM TO LIVE SINCE HE IS A FLAT EARTHER.” RIPPED KENMA responds. No one is bothered by the fact that this is the only reason RIPPED KENMA hasn’t killed Kageyama.

“Actually, he’s live right now at a Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice But Not Nice Christmas concert. We should watch it!” Kenma’s mom says

“They’re our favorite band!” Kenma’s dad adds. Kenma’s parents rip off their shirts at the same time, revealing official Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice But Not Nice Shirts underneath. Kuroo, RIPPED KENMA, Akaashi, and Bokuto are all still in their pajamas. Kuroo and Bokuto are wearing matching dinosaur pajamas that Tsukkishima would definitely steal if he saw them. 

Akaashi turns on the TV and connects to his phone to play Kageyama’s live stream. The camera shows a floating volleyball, that they now recognize as Kageyama, in a crowd of people. The Iron wall of Date Tech is being used as security once again at the front of the stage. The stage is in an alleyway in between Forever 21 and Chipotle. It’s the first time that Kageyama has appeared as a volleyball on his vlog since his coming out video, where he showed the world his true form: a volleyball.

Shoyo is narrating the video since Kageyama cannot talk in volleyball form. “So today we’re here at the Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice But Not Nice Christmas concert! Kageyama and I bought some banana milk to try! Kageyama can’t speak right now, but he wants his viewers to know that it is Kageyama approved!! I liked it too!!” Kageyama the volleyball spins around in the air to show that he agrees. All of a sudden the crowd begins cheering wildly as Oikawa’s ghost, Terushima, and Suga run up on stage. 

“Yoohoo! Today we’re all gonna sing separate songs, and then we’re gonna end it with a special performance of Jingle Bell Rock!” The crowd roars. Sora, the kid who spoke to RIPPED KENMA at Chuck E. Cheese, can be seen in Kageyama’s video. 

“AH YES, THAT IS THE CHILD WHO I TALKED TO AT CHUCK E. CHEESE AFTER I KILLED ELON MUSK!” RIPPED KENMA exclaims 

“You killed Elon Musk? Good job, son. We are so proud of you.” Kenma’s dad says

“Yeee, that guy sucks lol.” His mom adds.

On the live stream, Oikawa’s ghost begins singing All I Want For Christmas Is You. He has brought Iwa-Chan on stage and is pointing to him while singing. The crowd is cheering wildly, even though Oikawa’s ghost is breaking millions of hearts. Many of his fans really thought he would someday marry them. 

When that performance ends, Iwa-chan runs over to Oikawa’s ghost and kisses him. Somehow he is able to kiss Oikawa even though he is a ghost.

Terushima steps up to the mic and begins singing Santa Baby. When he gets to the part about wanting a ring, he changes it to a new piece of jewelry for his tongue piercing. He is very proud of his tongue piercing.

The crowd is absolutely wild as Terushima finishes his performance. As Suga steps up to the mic, Daichi is in the crowd shushing everyone. The lights go dim and the crowd is silent as Suga begins to sing Silent Night. It is the most beautiful version of Silent Night ever heard since the Pampers commercial.

The crowd stays silent for the entire performance. However, once it ends, they are the loudest they’ve ever been. Oikawa’s ghost pulls away from Iwa-chan and joins Terushima and Suga at the front. All 3 of them have an epic anime girl transformation as they change into the proper clothing for the next performance. They are wearing the outfits that the plastics wore in Mean Girls for the Jingle Bell Rock performance. Since there were only 3 of them, Oikawa’s ghost asked Iwa-chan to do an epic anime girl transformation as well so that he could dance with them. 

Oikawa’s ghost wanted the performance to be as accurate as possible, so he played the music on a boombox that he brought on stage. He also kicks it off stage at Kageyama the volleyball, but Shoyo mistakes it for a set and spikes it into the ground. A bunch of fangirls dive to where Shoyo spiked the boombox. They all wanted it since Oikawa touched it.

“NICE KILL SHOYO.” RIPPED KENMA says, even though Shoyo can’t hear him.

The music stops, and they continue singing a cappella while dancing. The crowd is in hysterics, millions of people are screaming and crying. In Kenma, Akaashi, Bokuto, and Kuroo’s living room, Kenma’s parents are sobbing and screaming as well.

“Well, I think it’s time get going.” Kenma’s dad says with a sniffle. “Good to see you, Son. We love you and your three partners.”

“Yeehaw. What he said.” Kenma’s mom says. They hug RIPPED KENMA before walking out.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Suddenly, a man in a red suit with a big white beard falls into the chimney. It’s Santa! 

“HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS.” Santa says in a jolly tone.

“Santa!! Aren’t you a little early?” Akaashi asks. Bokuto and Kuroo are jumping up and down excitedly.

“HO HO HO WHY YES, KIDDO, I AM EARLY. I WANTED TO GET A HEAD START ON MY PRESENT DELIVERY.” Santa says.

Akaashi narrows his eyes at being called kiddo, but he doesn’t say anything. Santa hands all of them present boxes. Bokuto opens his present to find a whoopee cushion. He smiles wide and runs around excitedly while giggling.

“I’m gonna prank everyone!!! Nobody is safe!!” Akaashi, Kuroo, and RIPPED KENMA smile fondly at Bokuto.

Next Kuroo opens his present to find… Oikawa’s glasses!!!

Kuroo starts crying happy tears. “I love them, can I please keep them?” He looks over at RIPPED KENMA.

“OF COURSE, KUROO. THEY ARE YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT AFTER ALL.” RIPPED KENMA responds. Kuroo puts them on, then runs and jumps into RIPPED KENMA’S arms. RIPPED KENMA kisses him for 8 minutes and 12 seconds. “Full homo.” They both say in unison. 

“HO HO HO, TIME FOR YOUR PRESENT, AKAASHI.” Akaashi narrows his eyes again. He doesn’t trust this guy. Akaashi opens his present to reveal a Bokuto jersey. His distrust leaves him immediately.

“Bokuto-san is my favorite player on our team. Thank you, Santa.” Akaashi tears up a little. Bokuto picks him up and spins him around before kissing him for 7 minutes and 23 seconds. When they pull apart, they also say “full homo” in unison.

“HO HO HO, YOUR TURN RIPPED KENMA. I’M ESPECIALLY EXCITED FOR YOURS.” RIPPED KENMA opens his present to find a globe. He is FURIOUS.

“HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME WITH THIS PIECE OF TRASH.” RIPPED KENMA throws the globe on the ground and stomps on it until it’s flat.

“Oh no…” Kuroo says. He’s only seen RIPPED KENMA this angry a few times, and it has never ended well.

“HO HO HO, DO YOU NOT LIKE YOUR PRESENT, MY BOY? YOU WERE ESPECIALLY NAUGHTY THIS YEAR, SO THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. AND NOW YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT THE EARTH IS ROUND.” Santa laughs

“DO NOT LAUGH AT ME OLD MAN. THE EARTH IS A FLAT SQUARE AND WE ALL KNOW IT. YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES. YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR FATE.” RIPPED KENMA yells, even louder than he usually does. Then, he picks up the flattened globe, and throws it like a frisbee at Santa’s neck. Santa’s head rolls onto the floor and his body falls.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” RIPPED KENMA yells and pulls at his hair.

“Kenma’s really upset, we need to calm him down. Bokuto, Akaashi, go to the store and get 60 apple pies and some tums.” Kuroo tells them. Bokuto and Akaashi run outside to get the apple pie and tums.

Kuroo grabs RIPPED KENMA’S hands and looks into his eyes. RIPPED KENMA hands are shaking. 

“Breathe with me, Kenma.” Kuroo starts taking deep breaths and RIPPED KENMA follows his lead. Then he begins singing RIPPED KENMA’s favorite song.

“The earth is flat, and a squaaaaaaare. Gravity isn’t theeeeere. The pretty boy is deaaaad. We got married at his funeral. We had Fortnite-o’s, and poured the milk first, and everything is goooooooood.” Then Kuroo kisses him for 10 minutes and 48 seconds.

RIPPED KENMA transforms into his regular form and slumps forward into Kuroo’s arms. There are tears running down his face, and Kuroo holds him close while petting his hair. 

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Kuroo shushes him until he runs out of breath. He takes in a new breath and speaks again. 

“Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble for killing Santa. He was being really mean.” Kuroo walks Kenma over to the couch, and they sit down. Kenma cuddles into Kuroo’s side. He’s not crying anymore, and his breathing has calmed a lot. A few minutes later, Bokuto and Akaashi come in with 60 apple pies and some tums.

“Kenma!! Are you okay??” Bokuto runs over to sit next to him on the couch. Akaashi brings over 10 of the apple pies, and sits on the couch with them. Kenma is now cuddling Kuroo and Bokuto, while Akaashi feeds him the apple pie. He finishes all 10 within 30 minutes

“Thank you…” Kenma says shyly. Only Kuroo has seen him that angry before, so he was a little embarrassed.

“Of course, we love you Kenma-san.” Akaashi brings the rest of the apple pies and continues feeding Kenma, while Bokuto and Kuroo cuddle him. Kenma eats the last 50 pies in less than 6 minutes. Akaashi has him eat the entire bottle of tums. 

“What are we gonna do about Christmas? So many kids won’t get their presents.” Bokuto pouts.

“I was thinking about it,” Kenma begins, “And I can take over as Santa to deliver the presents. I can already fly at mach 20, and I’ll fix the naughty and nice list. Now all I need is the beard.” Kenma walks over to Santa’s severed heard, and ripped his beard off of his face. When he sliced him with the flat-earth frisbee, he made sure to avoid cutting any of the beard. Then, Kenma transforms into RIPPED KENMA, and glues the beard to his face. 

“DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?” RIPPED KENMA asks

“Of course, Kenma, you won’t be alone tonight.” Kuroo responds. They look into each other’s eyes lovingly.

“OKAY WE NEED TO GET THE PRESENTS FROM THE SLEIGH. TO THE ROOF.” The four of them climb up the chimney to where the sleigh is with all the presents. RIPPED KENMA takes out the naughty and nice list. He moves every child who is a flat earther onto the nice list. Fortunately, Sora was friends with almost every child in the world, and he had convinced them all that the earth was flat and gravity didn’t exist. The only child on the naughty list was Timmy, the boy who kicked Bokuto in the shin. RIPPED KENMA had to defend Bokuto-san’s honor.

RIPPED KENMA grabbed the bag of presents from the sleigh, and released all of the reindeer.

“SANTA IS DEAD. YOU MAY DO AS YOU PLEASE.” RIPPED KENMA tells the reindeer

“Yay! Thanks RIPPED KENMA.” Rudolph the red nosed reindeer responds. Somehow he can talk to humans. “We hated that guy!”

“Yeah!! He didn’t even pay us!” Dasher added

“Also, he basically discriminated against me for my red nose until it was useful to him.” Rudolph says angrily. “We were planning to go on strike anyway, now we’re free. You’re the best, RIPPED KENMA.”

The reindeer all fly away, while RIPPED KENMA, Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi wave at them. The four lovers all hold hands and rise up into the sky. The first stop is Sora’s house.

RIPPED KENMA, Bokito, Kuroo, and Akaashi all land on top of Sora’s house. They all come down the chimney. Sora is sitting in the living room holding the gold leaf katana. He is about to strike when he recognizes RIPPED KENMA.

“RIPPED KENMA? Why are you here dressed like Santa? I was going to kill him for being a round earther, but I know you could never be.” Sora tells him.

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, SORA. SANTA HAS PAID FOR HIS CRIMES, AND NOW I HAVE TAKEN ON HIS ROLE. YOU HAVE BEEN THE BEST CHILD. SO FOR CHRISTMAS YOU WILL GET SANTA AND ELON MUSKS’ SEVERED HEADS. I WILL ALSO BE GIVING YOU 5 MILLION DOLLARS.”

“Wow thanks RIPPED KENMA!” I’m gonna hang these up on my wall!” Sora picks up the heads by their hair and runs around while giggling. Bokuto starts running and giggling with him. RIPPED KENMA smiles while watching them. Kuroo and Akaashi kiss for 9 minutes and 34 seconds. When they finish kissing, they all say bye to Sora and leave. 

The next house they go to is Shoyo and Kageyama’s house. When they come down the chimney, Shoyo recognizes RIPPED KENMA immediately.

“Kenma!!! What are you doing here? And why are you dressed like Santa?” Shoyo asks, tilting his head.

“HELLO SHOYO. I’VE KILLED SANTA FOR BEING A ROUND EARTHER AND NOW I AM TAKING HIS JOB.” RIPPED KENMA responds

“Ohh, that makes sense. Kageyama has told me all about how the earth is flat, haven’t you babe?” Shoyo turns to the floating volleyball behind him and Kageyama spins around to show that he agrees. 

“THAT IS WHY I ALLOW HIM TO LIVE.” RIPPED KENMA says. Neither Shoyo nor Kageyama is bothered by this statement.

“I HAVE BROUGHT YOUR PRESENTS. ALSO, BOKUTO IS VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU. KAGEYAMA, TRANSFORM INTO A HUMAN SO WE CAN DISCUSS HOW THE EARTH IS FLAT.” Kageyama transforms into a human and walks over to the other side of the room with RIPPED KENMA. Bokuto runs over and picks up Shoyo. He spins him around.

“My student!!!! I’ve missed you!!!!” He puts Shoyo down, and Shoyo starts jumping up and down excitedly.

“Bokuto-senpai!!!! I missed you too!! Let’s have a practice match soon!” Shoyo responds, having forgotten that Kuroo has lost volleyball.

Kuroo whines, remembering that he lost volleyball. Akaashi squeezes his hand reassuringly and pulls him in for a hug. Kuroo buries his head in Akaashi’s chest and cries softly. Akaashi pets his hair til he calms down. Then they kiss for 8 minutes and 42 seconds. “Full homo.” They say to each other. Finally, it is time to leave. They say goodbye to Shoyo and Kageyama and climb back up their chimney to leave.

After they leave, it takes them 35 minutes to get to every other house in the world. Then they go back home. When they get home, they all hug for 17 and a half minutes. RIPPED KENMA transforms into his regular form.

“I have some gifts to give tonight. Thank you everyone, for calming me down earlier and for making me feel better with apple pie. I love you all so much, and I could not ask for better BFFL’S with benefits/husband/boyfriends.” Him and Kuroo each pull out a ring box and kneel down in front of Bokuto and Akaashi.

“Will you marry us?” They say together. Bokuto is already crying, and Akaashi’s eyes are watery.

“Of course we will marry you.” Akaashi says, he’s crying too now. Bokuto is crying so hard that all he can do is nod. They all take turns kissing each other for 18 minutes and 32 seconds. After that they say “full homo” in unison.

“I have one more gift to give tonight.” Kenma says, and he turns to Kuroo. He pulls a circular present out of seemingly nowhere and hands it to Kuroo. Kuroo opens it excitedly to reveal a volleyball.

“I love you so much, Kuroo. For Christmas, your volleyball ban is over, and we will have practice games tomorrow with Karasuno and Fukurodani.” Kenma tells him.

Tears are streaming down Kuroo’s face now. He hugs Kenma close and cries harder.  
“Thank you, Kenma.” Kuroo sniffles and pulls away. Bokuto picks him up bridal style and carries him to the bed. Kuroo giggles the whole time. Kenma and Akaashi follow them to the room, Bokuto and Kuroo are already cuddling on the bed. Kenma and Akaashi both join the cuddle party, and they all slowly drift to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lev and Yaku are able to kiss so long without pulling apart because whenever they kiss, their bodies no longer need food, water, or sleep.
> 
> Kenma's mom grew up on a farm, so whenever she or Kenma say "yee" it is short for "yeehaw".
> 
> some very important character development :')  
> from chapter 2:  
>  "Akaashi smiled wide. “Thank you, RIPPED KENMA-san. Were you also defending Bokuto-san’s honor?”   
> “NO, I SIMPLY KILLED HIM BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THE EARTH IS ROUND.”  
> this chapter:   
> "The only child on the naughty list was Timmy, the boy who kicked Bokuto in the shin. RIPPED KENMA had to defend Bokuto-san’s honor.


	8. Harry Styles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Kuroo's turn to defend Bokuto-san's honor

It was 3:00 AM, and RIPPED KENMA was filming a video with Bokuto. They were making slime at 3:00 AM. Akaashi and Kuroo are still cuddling together on the bed, fast asleep.

“HELLO VIEWERS. TONIGHT WE ARE DOING A SPECIAL LIVESTREAM. WE ARE MAKING SLIME AT 3:00 AM TO SEE IF ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN. ONE OF MY FIANCES, BOKUTO, IS HERE WITH ME.” RIPPED KENMA says to the camera.

Bokuto is jumping up and down and clapping excitedly. “Hi!!!!!!! You might know me from my own channel, owlboy, where I draw owls!!!!!!” Bokuto pulls an owl drawing out of seemingly nowhere and shows the camera. It is the same drawing that Oikawa put a hate comment on when he was alive.

“YES, THAT PRETTY BOY GOT WHAT WAS COMING FOR HIM. ALTHOUGH I ONLY KILLED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS A DISGUSTING ROUND EARTHER, I AM HAPPY THAT I DEFENDED YOUR HONOR ON THAT DAY.” RIPPED KENMA SAYS and looks at Bokuto lovingly.

“Awwwww, RIPPED KENMA!! I love you.” Bokuto says and kisses him for 24 minutes and 16 seconds. While they’re kissing, none of the viewers leave. In fact, many of them are commenting encouragement such as “yassss queens”, “slay”, ”liiiiiiit (sunglasses emoji),<3, “OTP”.

After they pull apart, RIPPED KENMA turns back to the camera as if nothing happened. 

“WHILE WE MAKE THIS VIDEO, I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT SOME OF THE REASONS WE SHOULD BLOW UP THE MOON. FIRST, PEOPLE THINK THE MOON IS ROUND, AND I HATE IT. ALSO EARTH IS THE ONLY PLANET, SO WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE MOON.” 

“Wait! You don’t have to worry about blowing up the moon!” Bokuto exclaims

“AND WHY IS THAT?” RIPPED KENMA asks

“The moon doesn’t exist! The moon landing was faked because the moon is actually just a projection. I’m not sure why they’ve been projecting the moon in the sky for so long, but they’re not fooling me!” Bokuto explains.

RIPPED KENMA considers this. It would make sense considering that “scientists” think the moon is near the Earth because of gravity, and clearly gravity does not exist.

“AH I SEE. THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE. I’LL BE SURE TO BRING IT UP AT THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY MEETING.” RIPPED KENMA responds

Bokuto smiles wide. He is playing with the slime that they made.

“Well I guess nothing happened, even though we made slime at 3 AM.” Right after Bokuto says that, Ushijima’s ghost appears.

“Ah. Hello, Bokuto and RIPPED KENMA.” Ushijima’s ghost says

“Hiiiiiii!” Bokuto responds

“HELLO CHEATER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” RIPPED KENMA asks, while pointing a finger accusingly at Ushijima’s ghost.

Ushijima looks sad. His ghostly head hangs and his ghostly shoulders slump. “I didn’t mean to cheat. I only thought that if I married Oikawa, he would have to go to Shiratorizawa. Now Tendou is angry with me, and he will not allow me to read the ads on his Shonen Jump manga.”

“THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T MAKE SLIME AT THREE AM. AN UGLY GHOST WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE.” RIPPED KENMA says, then ends the video.

Ushijima’s ghost does not seem bothered by being called ugly. 

“Maybe you can make it up to Tendou by getting him a gift!!!” Bokuto says excitedly, always trying to be helpful.

“That might work. I will try that. Thank you, Bokuto.” Ushijima’s ghost says, then fades away.

“Kenma!!! Can we have a staring contest?” Bokuto asks excitedly

“YES BOKUTO, LET’S DO IT.” RIPPED KENMA SAYS.

Bokuto and RIPPED KENMA stare at each other for 4 hours, neither of them blinking once. Despite this, their eyes are not dry at all. Kuroo and Akaashi wake up and walk over to where they are staring at each other. Kuroo and Akaashi each press kisses to the tops of their finances/husbands heads. Surprisingly, RIPPED KENMA looks away first.

“Yes!! I win!!” Bokuto jumps up happily 

“Good job Bokuto-san.” Akaashi says. Bokuto is so happy about winning, he is running around in circles. RIPPED KENMA is still staring out the window. 

“What are you looking at, Kenma?” Kuroo asks

“I SAW A CAT.” BOKUTO, AKAASHI, KUROO, LET’S GET A CAT.” RIPPED KENMA says.

“Yes, I think Bokuto-san would love a cat.” Akaashi says.

“YES!” Bokuto jumps in the air and fist pumps.

“Yay!! I want a cat too!” Kuroo smiles and hugs RIPPED KENMA tightly.

“It’s a nice day for a walk. Can we walk there?” Akaashi asks

“OF COURSE. LET ME CHANGE FORMS. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH ME IN THIS FORM.” RIPPED KENMA responds. RIPPED KENMA becomes faster with each step when he walks, until he is walking at the speed of light (not yagami). He cannot control his speed when he walks. RIPPED KENMA changes back into regular Kenma. Bokuto and Kuroo went into the bedroom to change. They came out in matching crop tops with little cat patches in the corner and high waisted pleated skirts. They were also wearing thigh high socks.

“How do we look?” They say together and pose like sailor moon.

“You both look beautiful.” Akaashi responds

“Yee.” Kenma agrees. Kenma takes out his phone and takes a picture of Bokuto and Kuroo.

They all hold hands and walk outside together. While they are walking to the pet store, someone stops them and points at Bokuto.

“Hey! I saw you on RIPPED KENMA’S livestream. You said the moon doesn’t exist, but it does! See, it’s right there!” The man points at the moon in the sky.

“How dare you insult my bro/fiance!!!” Kuroo yells. He spins around and kicks the guy in the face. Kenma can tell Kuroo has a plan, so he transforms into RIPPED KENMA. Kuroo jumps in the air and does a backflip. RIPPED KENMA laces his fingers together, and catches Kuroo by his foot, then he launches him toward the moon.

“YOUR FATE HAS BEEN SEALED.” RIPPED KENMA says to the guy who insulted Bokuto.

While Kuroo is flying through the air, he pulls the little toaster that could, some dynamite, and a lighter from his pocket. When he gets to the moon, he shoves the dynamite into the little toaster that could and lights the wick. Kuroo leaves the toaster bomb on the moon, then turns around and propels himself back to earth. He lands in Bokuto’s arms, bridal style, and kisses him for 7 minutes and 29 seconds. While they’re kissing, the moon blows up, and makes fireworks in the sky behind them. Kenma and Akaashi decide to kiss too because it’s too romantic to pass up.

“I will always defend your honor, Bokuto-san.” Kuroo tells him as he looks into his eyes lovingly. Kuroo was only gone for 10 minutes, but Kenma is already back in his regular form, and the guy who insulted Bokuto is on the ground dead.

“Oh nice, who killed that guy?” Kuroo asks. 

“I did.” Akaashi responds, “How dare he insult Bokuto-san.”

Kenma and Kuroo nod in agreement. Bokuto is giggling at a butterfly and trying to catch it. His fiances all look at him fondly and smile. He was absolutely precious.

Kenma, Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi all join hands again and begin walking away from the body. Kenma wasn’t worried about the body, he knew it would float away because gravity didn’t exist. Kuroo knew Kenma would think that, so he texted Yaku to hide the body.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

When they arrive at the pet store, an associate comes up to them. His name tag says “Derek”.

“Hi, can I help you with anything?” Derek asks.

“Yes, we wanted to get a cat.” Akaashi responds.

“Do you know which of the cats are flat earthers?” Kenma asks. He could not risk adopting a round earther cat.

“Yes, we have a special room for the flat earther cats, as they are far superior to the other cats.” Derek responds.

Kenma nods in agreement, and they follow Derek to a room in the back of the store. Inside is a large open space with cat trees and toys as far as the eyes can see. All of the cats get to have wet food and there is a person assigned to each cat to pet it, if that is what the cat wishes.

All of the cats were very cute. Kuroo, Kenma, Bokuto, and Akaashi spent 5 hours just playing with them. Their favorite was a calico, who Kenma said was definitely the most loyal flat earther. They decide to take this cat home.

When they get home, they are all eating fortnite-o’s together, with the milk poured first, and discussing what to name the cat. The sweet little calico cat had its own bowl of Fortnite-o’s as well. Kenma had researched it and discovered that cats can eat Fortnite-o’s too.

“I wanna name it Bokuto 2!” Bokuto says happily.

“That is a good name Bokuto-san, but I think Bokuto the second would be better.” Akaashi responds. 

Bokuto considers this. “Hmm, well I’m okay with either of those names.”

“I think we should name it Fortnite-o’s.” Kenma says. He loves Fortnite-o’s.

“Can we name it Harry Styles?? Please??” Kuroo gives the cutest puppy dog eyes anyone has ever seen. There is no way any of them could resist his request. 

Kenma smiles softly at Kuroo. “Okay, Kuroo. Harry Styles it is.”

Bokuto and Akaashi smile at Kuroo. The BFFLs with benefits/husbands/fiances all finished their Fortnite-o’s and got up for a group hug. Harry Styles that cat walked over to them and laid across Kuroo’s shoulder. He was the perfect addition to the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kenma/RIPPED KENMA can eat foods other than Fortnite-o's and apple pie, but he chooses not to because he doesn't feel like it.
> 
> Akaashi reads bokuaka fanfiction
> 
> Most of the time, Bokuto doesn't really know what's going on, but he knows he is very loved :)


	9. The World Election Part 1: RonMc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> VOTE RIPPED KENMA FOR WORLD LEADER. HE PROMISES TO REVEAL THE TRUTH ABOUT THE EARTH BEING A FLAT SQUARE. HE MAY HAVE JUST PLAYED TOO MUCH MINECRAFT AS A CHILD, BUT THE EARTH TRULY IS A FLAT SQUARE. ALL WILL BE REVEALED.... IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

Kenma was getting ready for the flat earth society meeting/world leader election in Texas. He was deciding what he should wear. It was between a unicorn onesie and a lab coat. He decided to wear the unicorn onesie because the lab coat would make him look like one of those dumb scientists. 

He turned to his BFFL with benefits/husbands/fiancées and kissed each of them for 2.4 seconds. He was in a rush, so he could not kiss them longer. If he was flying on his own, he would have been able to get there within five minutes, but since he was bringing Harry Styles the cat (not the person), he decided to take a plane. Although he knew the plane would wait for him if he needed, he’d rather not be late. He grabbed Harry Styles the cat, and put some sunglasses on. He pulled out a small pair of sunglasses for Harry Styles the cat and left for the airport.

Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi were in the living room of their house waving goodbye to Kenma as he left for the airport. Bokuto started crying, and Kuroo and Akaashi both hugged him from either side to make a hug sandwich. They stayed like that for 4 hours until Bokuto finally calmed down. 

“I am going to read for a little while. Please try not to be too loud.” Akaashi told Bokuto and Kuroo

“Okay! We’ll go play Mario Kart in our room!” Kuroo said. Bokuto and Kuroo played 5 full Grand Prix rounds, and Bokuto won all of them. Kuroo decided to go get some water. As he walked through the living room to get to the kitchen, he looked over at Akaashi where he was sitting in a chair, reading. Akaashi was beautiful, as always, but there was something even more beautiful about him. AKAASHI’S READING GLASSES!!! Kuroo had never seen such beautiful glasses in his life. The dark black frames contrasted beautifully with the little silver screws holding them together. The clear lenses were so clean, Akaashi’s gorgeous, striking eyes could be seen clearly through them. 

Akaashi looked up at Kuroo; the light reflected off of the glasses obscuring his eyes. Kuroo blushed, having been caught staring. 

“Hello, Kuroo. Everything okay?” Akaashi asked, tilting his head, his eyes once again visible.

Kuroo blushed as red as the barn from Kenma’s mom’s childhood farm. “Y-yes I was just getting some water!” He squeaked before running to the kitchen to get a cup of water.

“Oh, can you bring me some tea?” Akaashi called out after him. Kuroo drank his cup of water. Then he walked back into the living room with a hot cup of green tea for Akaashi. He did not need to ask what kind of tea Akaashi liked. He handed Akaashi his cup of tea and kissed him on the cheek, before running back to the room.

Kuroo ran into the room and closed the door quickly behind him. Bokuto was trying to play Mario Kart with both controllers to see if he could beat himself. He was not winning.

“Bro!!! We have a problem.” Kuroo said with tears in his eyes. Bokuto paused the game immediately, and turned to look at Kuroo.  
“What’s wrong, bro?” Bokuto asked, pulling Kuroo into a hug.

“Akaashi’s glasses are so beautiful. I want them so bad.” Kuroo told him while he buried his face in Bokuto’s shoulder. Bokuto rubbed his back soothingly. He smiled deviously.  
“Let’s steal them!!!” Bokuto said excitedly.

Kuroo pulled back from the hug and looked up at Bokuto hopefully. “Really?? You would help me do that?”

“Of course, bro! I love you! And I love playing pranks on Akaashi. It’s a win-win.” Bokuto smiled wide. Kuroo smiled mischievously, and kissed Bokuto for 19 minutes and 34 seconds. When they pulled apart, Kuroo realized he didn’t know how they would steal the glasses.

“But wait bro, how are we gonna get the glasses? Akaashi is wearing them.” Kuroo asked

“Oh, Kuroo. Kuroo, Kuroo, Kuroo.” Bokuto smiled, while patting his shoulder. “Tell me, did he have his tea yet?”

“Yeah, I got him his tea 24 minutes and 12 seconds ago.” Kuroo responded. He didn’t understand how this was relevant.

“Perfect. Then he should have fallen asleep while we were kissing. Akaashi always falls asleep after he has his nightly tea.”

Kuroo jumps up. “Come on, bro!! We have to get them before he wakes up!” Kuroo bends down so Bokuto can jump on his back for a piggy back ride. Bokuto giggles as Kuroo runs him into the living room. Even though they are not even trying to be quiet, Akaashi does not wake up. Kuroo stops in front of Akaashi, and leans forward so that Bokuto can slowly pull the glasses off of their fiancee. As soon as he gets them off, he slides them onto Kuroo’s face, and Kuroo runs Bokuto back into the room, both of them giggling the whole way. 

When they get back to the room, they kiss again for 15 minutes and 52 seconds.

“I love you, bro. Full homo.” Kuroo says to Bokuto.

Meanwhile in the living room, Akaashi finally woke up. He picked his book up to start reading, but he realized the words on the pages were blurry.  
“Oh, I’m not wearing my glasses.” Akaashi chuckled to himself. He looked over on the coffee table; his glasses were not there either. They weren’t on the ground or on his head. That was odd, Akaashi thought. Perhaps Kenma would know where his glasses were. Even though Kenma wasn’t there, this somehow made sense. Akaashi decided to FaceTime him.

“Hello, my love.” Kenma said with a smile as he answered the phone.

“Hello, Ken-chan. Hello Harry Styles (the cat)-san. I wanted to ask, have you seen my glasses?” Akaashi asked  
“When was the last time you saw them?” Kenma asked.

“Well, I was wearing them while reading, and then Kuroo came in the living room, and started blushing a lot for some reason. He went to get water, so I asked him to get me some tea. Then, he brought my tea and returned to the room with Bokuto. After that, I must have fallen asleep.”

“Yes, you always fall asleep after you have your tea.” Kenma says fondly. He pauses for a second, considering the situation.

“Kuroo kinda sus tho… Go into the room right now, and flip the camera so that I can see them.“ Akaashi flips the camera and walks over to their room. He opens the door to find Kuroo, who was wearing Akaashi’s glasses and Bokuto holding hands and dancing around, singing:

“Ring around the rosie, pocket full of Akaashi’s glasses, ashes ashes, we’re gonna be in ashes.”

“Yes, you are.” Akaashi responds, and pulls out a lighter.

“Wait Akaashi,” Kenma responds “I know what will hurt them more than death.”

“AGKASSHHHIIIII!!!” Bokuto yelled “We didn’t, um, those aren’t your glasses. They’re Kuroo’s. You see, he lost his other ones so he went to the glasses store-“

“It won’t work, bro. I already tried that one on Kenma, but he saw right through me.” Kuroo pouted, tears welling up in his eyes as he held his head in shame. He knew he was in for it.

“Kuroo. You know better than to steal glasses, and Bokuto, you know about Kuroo’s glasses stealing problems. For your crimes, you will suffer a fate worse than death. Starting right now, you two are not allowed to wear matching clothing for a week.”

“NO KENMA PLEASE, ANYTHING ELSE.” Kuroo yelled, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“WE’RE SORRY” Boktuo yelled, before falling to his knees and sobbing. Kuroo also fell to his knees, and him and Bokuto were now crying and hugging on the floor

“Thank you for apologizing, Bokuto-san, but apologies will not save you now. Both of you, change into pajamas. I will be monitoring to ensure that you do not match.” Akaashi told them. 

“Kuroo. Give Akaashi his glasses back.” Kenma said. Kuroo cried harder and pulled the glasses off of his face.

Bokuto and Kuroo sniffled and stood up. Kuroo handed the glasses to Akaashi. Bokuto and Kuroo walked over to their very big walk-in closet, and looked sadly at the rows of matching pajamas they could not wear. They both instinctively reached for the same pajamas; they pulled their hands apart and chuckled sheepishly. 

“Umm. Bro can I borrow your cat onesie?” Bokuto asked while giving adorable puppy dog eyes “That way I can wear it and think of you.”

“Broooooo, of course.” Kuroo responded. He would not have said no, even if Bokuto hadn’t given him adorable puppy dog eyes.

“Wait, bro, can I borrow your owl onesie then? I want to wear it and think of you too.” Kuroo said while wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Brooooo, you can always borrow my clothes.” Bokuto responded, before leaning forward and kissing Kuroo on the forehead. Bokuto and Kuroo changed into the cat onesie and owl onesie, and then walked out of the closet holding hands and crying.

Akaashi was talking to Kenma about how much Kenma hates his opponent in the election for world leader, a literal Ken doll.

When he saw Bokuto and Kuroo, he turned his phone around, so that they could see Kenma on the screen.

“Bokuto, Kuroo. You both look very cute. I know you are sad about not matching, but this is what had to happen. I love you both very much, and I have to go now because the plane will be landing soon. Love you both, and love you Akaashi.” Kenma told them 

“B-b-b-b-b-bye love you Kenma.” Kuroo said through sniffles

“L-l-l-l-l-l-love you too, K-k-k-k-k-kenma” Bokuto said, while crying. 

Kenma hung up, and Akaashi walked over to Bokuto and Kuroo. 

“Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, it’s going to be okay. Let’s get ready for bed.” Akaashi told them. Then they all three kissed at the same time… somehow… for 58 minutes and 23 seconds. After the kiss, they all laid down on the bed together and hugged. Kuroo and Bokuto cried themselves to sleep. It was the first time in 5 years, 2 months, 8 days, 15 hours and 32 seconds that Kuroo and Bokuto did not match.

————————————————————————————————————————————

When Kenma and Harry Styles (the cat) arrived at the hotel, they went straight to bed. Scolding Bokuto and Kuroo had taken a lot of energy out him, and Harry Styles (the cat) had never traveled before. 

Kenma woke up with Harry Styles (the cat) curled up next to him, sleeping soundly. He was the cutest little calico kitty that Kenma had ever seen. He took a picture and sent it to his group chat with Bokuto, Kuroo, Akaashi, and at Kenma’s instance, Shoyo.

antigravity: *image attached* harry styles (the cat), sleeping  
Akaashi: Very cute, Kenma-san. Tell Harry Styles we love him. Here is an adorable picture I took as well *image attached*

Kenma opened the picture to see Bokuto and Kuroo asleep and cuddling, Kuroo still in the owl onesie, and Bokuto in the cat onesie. Kenma smiled fondly, even though they were in big trouble for stealing Akaashi’s glasses, they were still so cute.

antigravity: so cute. love them. <3  
chibichan: KITTY!!!! Can I pls meet harry styles (the cat) soon? how come bokubro and kubro are not matching?  
Akaashi: They are in trouble for stealing my glasses. Please do not mention it again; it is a sensitive subject.  
chibichan: ooooooo!!! i’m sorry!!!  
antigravity: it’s ok shoyo, you have never done anything wrong in your life, and I love you.  
chibichan: ily2!!!!!!  
kurooster: :’’’’’((((((((((  
owlboy: :’’’’’((((((((((

Kenma knew immediately that Kuroo and Bokuto were trying to get around their punishment by matching their texts, but it would not work on him. 

antigravity: no matching your texts, either. If you try that again It’ll be 2 weeks.  
kurooster: nooooo kenma we’re sorry :(  
owlboy: we won’t do it again!! we promise!!!!  
antigravity: okay, I’m going to get breakfast. love all of you, and harry styles loves you too. the cat and the human.

Kenma, Bokuto, Kuroo, Akaashi, and Shoyo knew Harry Styles (the human) personally, and he really did love them.

Kenma left the room and went down to where the hotel was serving breakfast. He decided to let Harry Styles (the cat) sleep for a little bit longer. Kenma walked over to the first worker he could find.

“Excuse me.” Kenma said quietly. The worker turned around. It was Donald Trump, gross.

“What can I get for you?” Donald Trump asked

“Ew, I guess they’ll just hire anyone these days. Where are your Fortnite-o’s?” Kenma asked

Donald Trump smirked. It was the ugliest facial expression anyone had ever seen.

“We don’t have Fortnite-o’s here.” He sneered.

Another worker walked over to where Kenma was talking to Donald Trump.

“Donald!!! How dare you lie to our customer! Do you know who he is? I’m so sorry. We do have Fortnite-o’s, and Donald, you’re fired!!!!!” The worker said.

Kenma started pointing and laughing at Donald Trump.

“You will regret lying to me, you ugly piece of trash.” Kenma said, then he transformed into RIPPED KENMA.

“FOR YOUR CRIMES NOT ONLY AGAINST ME, BUT AGAINST THE REST OF THE WORLD, YOU WILL DIE. ON THIS DAY, YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR FATE.” As RIPPED KENMA said this, he ripped Donald Trump’s head from his shoulders. 

The song “We’re playing basketball” by Like Mike started playing. RIPPED KENMA knew what he had to do. He could see a basketball hoop on the other side of the room, so he dribbled Donald Trump’s head to the basketball hoop, then slam dunked it.

Everyone in the hotel started cheering. 

Sora was also there, and RIPPED KENMA threw the head to him. 

“HERE YOU GO, SORA. YOU CAN ADD THIS ONE TO YOUR COLLECTION.”

Sora caught the severed head and jumped up excitedly. “Thank you, RIPPED KENMA. I can’t wait for you to be elected world leader! There’s no way anyone will vote for that disgusting round-earther ken doll.”

“YES SORA, I WILL DESTROY THE KEN DOLL IN THIS ELECTION. EVERYONE VOTE FOR RIPPED KENMA IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION.” 

Suna had taken a video of the whole thing on his phone, and uploaded it to YouTube titled “RIPPED KENMA OWNS DONALD TRUMP IN DEADLY BASKETBALL GAME”. It very quickly went viral. #voteRIPPEDKENMA was also trending across all social media.

RIPPED KENMA transformed back into regular Kenma form and grabbed two bowls of Fortnite-o’s, with the milk poured first. Then he took the Fortnite-o’s back up to his hotel room. Kenma and Harry Styles (the cat) ate their Fortnite-o’s together happily. 

Kenma decided to FaceTime his BFFLs with benefits/husband/fiancees. 

“Hello, Kenma-san” Akaashi said when he answered the call.

Bokuto and Kuroo were in the background. Bokuto was wearing a pink cat crop top hoodie with high waisted shorts and vans. Kuroo was wearing a button up shirt with cute little owls on it and some skinny jeans with some converse. Even though they were not matching, they didn’t seem very upset. Kenma was glad they were happy, but something was off. Kuroo and Bokuto were fidgeting nervously. Kenma sniffed the air. When Kuroo saw him sniff the air, his face drained of color. He knew Kenma had sensed it.

“Bokuto, Kuroo, take off your shoes.” Kenma told them

“Ummmm, well, Kenma… my feet are cold so I can’t.” Kuroo said nervously

“Uh, me too.” Bokuto added

Akaashi narrowed his eyes, realizing what was going on. “Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san. Take off your shoes.”

Bokuto and Kuroo hung their heads sadly and took their shoes off to reveal that they were each wearing one red sock with cats and a yellow sock with owls,.

Bokuto and Kuroo started crying. “We’re s-s-s-sorry Kenma and Akaashi!!!” Kuroo said

“P-p-p-p-pwease don’t make us stop matching longer.” Bokuto pouted. In that moment, Kuroo and Bokuto gave the most adorable puppy dog eyes anyone ever seen. It was so adorable that Kenma and Akaashi could not resist.

“Okay, you won’t be in more trouble, but you need to change your socks.” Kenma told them.

“Yes, Kenma.” Bokuto and Kuroo said together. Kuroo pulled off his cat sock and handed it to Bokuto to put on. At the same time, Bokuto pulled off his owl sock and handed it to Kuroo. They were both still sniffling. Akaashi hugged both of them, and Kenma hugged them through the camera. Even though Kenma was not physically there, they could feel his love through the phone. After hugging for 3 hours, Bokuto and Kuroo finally calmed down. 

“We are going to leave soon, Kenma. We’ll see you later, I’m bringing the hot rod.” Akaashi said when they pulled away from each other. The hot rod was a black sports car with flames down the sides. It was a birthday gift that Akaashi got from Kenma on his last birthday.

“Love you Kenma!” The three fiancees said while waving

“Love you all too.” Kenma responded, and Harry Styles (the cat) meowed. Kenma hung up the phone and decided to take a nap with Harry Styles (the cat).  
—————————————————————————————————————————————

“Alright, let’s load up.” Akaashi said to Bokuto and Kuroo. Bokuto brought the suitcase out and loaded it into the trunk. They only needed one suitcase for all their clothes because Bokuto had an infinite suitcase. There was one more suitcase, that Kuroo was being weirdly secretive about, but for now, no one questioned it. The rest of the trunk was filled with snacks that Bokuto and Kuroo picked out. For Akaashi, they got one single, lonely cosmic brownie. It was his favorite snack. The car refrigerator was filled with drinks including, Dr. Pepper, and Bokuto’s favorite drink, bug juice. 

There was also a built in coffee pot for Akaashi, and a hamster-style water bottle attached to the window in order keep Bokuto hydrated. The back-middle seat could pull down to reveal a full stove, which Bokuto once burnt himself on, mistaking it for an armrest. There was also a deluxe black microwave with a little rotatey thingy inside. Akaashi got into the drivers seat, and Bokuto and Kuroo got into the backseat so they could cuddle the whole time. Akaashi smiled when he saw them in the rearview mirror. They were so precious. Akaashi put in Bokuto’s favorite CD, which only has Theme of King JJ, but it was re-recorded by Akaashi himself, to make it about Bokuto. 

Akaashi started the car, and they flew into the air. 3 hours into the trip, Bokuto raised his hand, as if he was in class.

“Yes, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked.

“Can we get McDonald’s? I’m hungry.” Bokuto said with a pout

“Yes, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi responded, and prepared to land in the McDonald’s parking lot. Bokuto and Kuroo high fived.

Once they landed, Bokuto, Kuroo, and Akaashi got out of the car. Bokuto and Kuroo did not want to be seen in public without matching, so Kuroo was wearing an owl mask, and Bokuto was wearing a cat mask. Akaashi was wearing a shirt that said   
“I <3   
Bokuto&  
Kuroo&  
Kenma&  
Harry Styles (the cat)”

“I want a happy meal!!” Bokuto and Kuroo said together

“Nice bro.” Kuroo said, and they high fived

“Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, you will need more than just happy meals. I will order you both a 1000 piece chicken nuggets to share, as well. What kind of sauce would you like?” Akaashi said

“I want the gay barbecue sauce!” Bokuto said excitedly

“There’s gay barbecue sauce?” Akaashi asked while tilting his head adorably. He wondered if there was bisexual barbecue sauce too.

“Yes, it’s the tangy barbecue sauce.” Kuroo responded

“Ahh I see.” Akaashi stepped up to order

“Welcome to McDonald’s! My name is RonMc, what can I get you today?” RonMc asked.

“Hello, RonMc-san. My name is Akaashi. Can I get 2 cheeseburger happy meals with sprites to drink.”

“Do you want a boy toy or a girl toy for the happy meals?” RonMc asked

“Who cares? Gender is a scam invented by bathroom companies in the 60’s to sell more bathrooms. We will take one of every toy you have.” Akaashi responded

“Yes, I agree.” RonMc leaned forward and whispered “I hate asking that, but my father loves the gender binary, and forces all employees to conform to his standards.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, RonMc-san. If me and my 3 fiances ever meet him, we will kill him.” Akaashi responded

“Yeah! We hate transphobes!” Bokuto added.

“He is homophobic too. Is this one of your fiances?” RonMc asked.

“Yes!” Kuroo responded. “And me too! Do you know about RIPPED KENMA?”

“They guy who killed Elon Musk and Donald Trump?? Of course, he is a legend. I’m definitely voting him for world leader.” RonMc responded excitedly

“He is our other fiance! We’re on our way to the world leader election right now.” Kuroo told him

“Wow!!! Can you get me his autograph?? You are all such an inspiration. Today is the day I stand up to my father. Oh also, will that be all for you today?”

“No, let me also get 1000 piece chicken nugget with 40 gay barbecue sauces.” Akaashi finished the order.

“Awesome! Don’t worry about paying, it’s on the house!” RonMc responded. Then he put in the order and walked over to a table in the middle of the restaurant. 

“Excuse me, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Ronald McDonald is my father, and I’m gay!” RonMc exclaimed. Then he tore off his McDonald’s uniform to reveal a sparkly rainbow jumpsuit.

“Kubro! When we can match again, we have to get an outfit like that!!!” Bokuto said excitedly

“Yes, Bokubro! We definitely should!” Kuroo responded

Everyone in the restaurant started cheering, except Ronald McDonald, who ran over to the table his son was standing on.

“How dare you embarrass our family by being gay! I’m disowning you.” Ronald McDonald yelled while pointing accusingly at RonMc.

“Actually how dare you!!” Kuroo yelled at Ronald McDonald “Akaashi, set the knife ball for me.”

Akaashi pulled a volleyball out of seemingly nowhere that had a knife duct taped to it. He handed it to Bokuto, who threw it into the air. Then Akaashi set the knife ball, and Kuroo spiked it at Ronald McDonald. The knife ball spun rapidly and decapitated Ronald McDonald. The people in the restaurant started cheering wildly. Suna, who happened to be there, recorded the whole thing and put the video on YouTube titled “RONALD MCDONALD GETS OWNED BY AKAASHI AND TWO MASKED MEN”

“Well, now I need to get my food. I’m going to buy a cosmic brownie from the convenience store across the street. I’ll be right back.” Akaashi told Bokuto and Kuroo.

“Okay ‘Kaashi, we love you!” They said together.

Akaashi walked over to the shady looking convenience store. Maddog was working behind the counter. He was applying more eyeliner in the mirror when he noticed that Akaashi had walked in.

“Oh, hey Akaashi. What can I get for you?” Maddog asked

“Hello, Maddog-san. I would like one single, lonely cosmic brownie please.” Akaashi requested

“Ah yes, here you go.” Maddog responded, and handed Akaashi a single, lonely cosmic brownie. Akaashi paid Maddog and walked back to McDonald’s. Bokuto and Kuroo were sitting in a table in the corner with a canopy around them, so that no one could see them without their masks. They could not be seen in public without matching. They were taking turns dipping their chicken nuggets and feeding each other. Akaashi sat down with them and put his single, lonely cosmic brownie in his pocket.

“AGGKASSSHIIII!! WE MISSED YOU.” Bokuto yelled excitedly.

“Yeah ‘Kaashi!! We were talking about how much we loved you this whole time.” Kuroo added

“I missed you both too, and I love you so much. What toys did you get?” Akaashi asked Bokuto and Kuroo.

“We got all these Frozen 2 toys and hot wheels!!!” Bokuto said excitedly. Kuroo was making one of the hot wheels drive up Bokuto’s arm in that very moment. He was making vroom noises while doing it. Bokuto started giggling and made his Elsa figurine attack the car. Akaashi smiled fondly at Bokuto and Kuroo. 

“Kuroo, we need some gas for the hotrod, can you make some Fortnite-o fuel?” Akaashi asked

“Of course.” Kuroo responded. He put on his science goggles, since he was about to do science. Then Kuroo grabbed a box of Fortnite-o’s and some milk out of the car and put them in the blender that was built into the side of the car and blended them together. After that, he heated the milk/Fortnite-o mixture until it became a gas, and then blew the gas into the fuel tank. Now that they had refilled the tank, they wouldn’t need to refuel again for 3 months and 4 days.

“Science.” Kuroo whispered to himself after he finished refueling the car.

When they got back in the car, Akaashi realized they were already in Texas. They just had to fly to the nicest hotel in Texas, where Kenma was staying. They flew to Kenma’s hotel, and unloaded the car. Then, they went up to Kenma’s room. As soon as Kenma opened the door, they all hugged him for 23 minutes and 42 seconds. All of them were crying as they pulled apart; they missed each other so much.

Bokuto and Kuroo changed into non-matching pajamas, crying the whole time. Kenma walked over to Kuroo and rubbed his back soothingly while Akaashi did the same to Bokuto.

“Please don’t cry anymore. We love you so much, and we hate to see you sad.” Kenma told them. 

“Yes, we are only doing what is best for you. It will be okay. “ Akaashi added. 

Bokuto and Kuroo finally calmed down after 2 1/2 hours. 

“Why don’t you play among us while we discuss the election?” Akaashi asked, knowing that Bokuto and Kuroo loved to play among us. Bokuto and Kuroo jumped up excitedly! 

“I hope we can be imposters together!!” Kuroo said, as him and Bokuto pulled out their phones and sat on the bed to start playing.

Akaashi and Kenma were sitting on the other side of the room, and Kenma was ranting about his election opponent.

“He’s the WORST, Akaashi!! I mean, he literally tried to tell me the earth was round, which we all know that it’s not. And he had the AUDACITY to tell me that gravity actually exists. If that wasn’t bad enough, he said that moon actually existed too, but it clearly doesn’t. Kuroo made sure of that. I can’t believe this disgusting round earther thinks he could possibly beat me in the election for world leader!!! He is lucky he’s still alive!!!”

Bokuto overheard Kenma’s rant about the disgusting Ken doll, and leaned over to whisper to Kuroo.

“Brooooo, I have an idea.” Bokuto whispered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The character of RonMc originally came from a My Hero Academia fanfiction that we will someday publish


	10. The world election

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RIPPED KENMA raps, what happened to Ken??!! BOKUTO?????
> 
> VOTE RIPPED KENMA OR DIE

“Wait, bro. Let’s talk about this in the bathroom. That way they won’t hear us.” Kuroo whispered. Kuroo and Bokuto got up and opened the door to what they thought was the bathroom, but they suddenly fell into a ball pit.

“Yay! A ball pit!” Bokuto said excitedly as he giggled. Kuroo smiled fondly at Bokuto, who was throwing the plastic balls in the air excitedly. Kuroo just watched Bokuto play in the ball pit fondly for 37 minutes.

“Bro, don’t you wanna play in the ball pit? Why are you just staring at me.” Bokuto asked, tilting his head like a confused puppy. He was so cute, Kuroo felt like he was falling in love all over again.

“Bro, you’re just so beautiful, I can’t look away.” Kuroo responded.

Bokuto caressed Kuroo’s face and responded, “Aww bro, you know I’ll be your life, your voice, your reason to be, my love, my heart, is breathing for this moment, in time.”

They kissed for 12 minutes and 12 seconds. When they pulled apart, they started jumping up and down excitedly and throwing the plastic balls in the air.

“Bro, let’s go to the bottom of this ball pit!!” Kuroo said excitedly.

“Brooo we can’t. It’s an endless ball pit.” Bokuto responded.

“Bro, my love for you is endless.” 

“Bro.” Bokuto responded, while wiping tears from his face.

“Oh bro! What was your idea?” Kuroo asked

“OMG!! We should totally kill Kenma’s election opponent, a literal Ken doll. Bro.” Bokuto tells him.

“OMG bro, good idea. Kenma hates that guy! But we should wait until after the election, Kenma will want to win fair and square.”

“You’re right bro!! Let’s go back to playing Among Us, so Akaashi and Kenma don’t get suspicious.”

“Okay, let’s go, bro.” 

Kuroo and Bokuto walked out of the ball pit room to continue playing Among Us. Kenma was still talking about how much he hated the Ken doll.

“And he’s UGLY. I’ve seen the hit reality TV show Barbie’s Life in the Dreamhouse, and Ryan is waaaaaaay better looking than Ken!!! Also, he’s clearly in love with Ken, and Ken just ignores his affections in favor of Barbie. Doesn’t Barbie have enough????” Kenma huffed angrily.

All of a sudden, Harry Styles the cat rose into the air and began flying around the room.

“Ahh, clearly he has realized that gravity does not exist, and therefore, he can fly. I’m so proud of you, Harry Styles.” Kenma said, while looking fondly at Harry Styles the cat. Kuroo, as a gravity believer, had realized long ago that the ability to fly was actually a result of eating Fortnite-o’s, but he decided not to share this bit of information with Kenma.

“Aww, thanks mate.” Harry Styles the human responded.

“Oh, I was talking to Harry Styles the cat, but I am also proud of you, Harry Styles. I didn’t realize you were here.” Kenma told him.

“I was stuck in the ball pit. I only made it out because I heard Bokuto and Kuroo talking, and I followed their voices. Thanks, mates!.” Harry Styles the human responded.

“No problem, Harry Styles!” Kuroo said

“We are always here for you!!” Bokuto added.

“Thank you, I love you all so much. You are my best friends, besides the other members of One Direction, of course.”

“Of course, we love you too, Harry Styles-san” Akaashi responded.

“Well, thanks for helping me out mates. I’ve got to get home now. Good job learning to fly, Harry Styles the cat.” Harry Styles that cat meowed happily and flew in a circle around Harry Styles once, before nuzzling his face goodbye.

Harry Styles giggled and walked out onto the balcony. Then he floated into the air while waving goodbye.

Bokuto, Kuroo, Akaashi, and Kenma all waved back.

“Wow!! I can’t believe Harry Styles the cat learned how to fly. I’m so proud of him!” Bokuto said happily

“Yes, he is amazing!! We really chose the best cat.” Akaashi added

“We did choose the most loyal flat earther there.” Kenma said proudly, Kuroo smiled fondly at Kenma. Even when he was denying science, he was so adorable.

“Kenma-san, Bokuto-san, and Kuroo-san, we should go to bed soon. We have to be up early for the election tomorrow.” Akaashi told all three of them. Right on queue, Bokuto yawned.

“Okay, ‘Kaashi, I’ll make your tea, make sure Bokuto and Kuroo don’t match.” Kenma told him.

Bokuto and Kuroo started crying again. Changing into non-matching pajamas had been the hardest part of getting in trouble. It was their favorite type of clothing to match. Bokuto and Kuroo sadly walked over to Bokuto’s infinite suitcase to get pajamas that did not match. Bokuto put on some rainbow striped footy pajamas, and Kuroo wore a shirt that said “I <3 Bokuto” that he borrowed from Akaashi. He originally grabbed some rainbow pants in hopes that he could discreetly match with Bokuto, but Akaashi saw him, and shook his head sadly. Kuroo pouted and put on some yellow pajamas that were the same color as Bokuto’s eyes. Kenma and Akaashi allowed this, but they were still on thin ice.

Kuroo walked over to his secret suitcase and opened it to look inside. Inside, there were tons of glasses that he had stolen. He didn’t dare take any out. He couldn’t risk getting in more trouble, but it comforted him to see all of his glasses together. He wished Akaashi’s glasses were in there too. He closed the suitcase and walked over to the bed where Bokuto was already laying down. He cuddled Bokuto, and Kenma and Akaashi soon joined them. Bokuto and Kuroo were still crying, so Harry Styles the cat came and laid in between both of them to comfort them. Bokuto and Kuroo finally stopped crying after 3 1/2 hours and drifted off to sleep. Kenma and Akaashi were on either side of Bokuto and Kuroo, but they laid their arms across them so they could hold hands while they slept.

—————————————————————————————————————————————  
Kenma, Akaashi, Bokuto, and Kuroo slept for five days straight until they woke to Kenma’s alarm, which played Best Song Ever by One Direction, it was just in time for the election. Fortunately, it had been over a week, so Bokuto and Kuroo could match again. On the fourth day, which was the day their punishment technically ended, Kuroo and Bokuto had sleep changed into their matching dinosaur pajamas. Bokuto and Kuroo stared into each other’s eyes lovingly for 32 minutes before getting up to put on their election outfits. Today, Akaashi planned to also match with them, in support of Kenma, and they were overjoyed. They all three wore crop tops that said “VOTE RIPPED KENMA FOR WORLD LEADER” on the front and “HE WILL REVEAL THE TRUTH ABOUT THE EARTH BEING A FLAT SQUARE” on the back. They also wore high-waisted rainbow leggings and rainbow platform crocs. Kenma put on his unicorn onesie and transformed into RIPPED KENMA.

“YOU ALL LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL. LET’S GO TO THE ELECTION IN THE HOT ROD.” RIPPED KENMA said.

“Thank you RIPPED KENMA-san, you look beautiful too!” Akaashi responded. Bokuto and Kuroo nodded in agreement. RIPPED KENMA truly was beautiful.

They all got into the hot rod and flew to the election venue, which was in a Safeway parking lot. They landed the hot rod on stage, where Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice But Not Nice were performing. Oikawa’s ghost, Suga, and Terushima were wearing rainbow cowboy outfits, complete with frilly jackets, hats, and cowboy boots.

“Yoohooo! RIPPED KENMA is here!! Everyone give it up for him!!” Oikawa’s ghost told the crowd. The crowd roared wildly, Sora was in the front row, with a line of 1st graders, holding a sign that said “VOTE RIPPED KENMA OR DIE”. The iron wall of Date Tech was there as security once again.

“Hey, yeah. WE THE BEST.” Terushima yelled as a beat started playing

Oikawa’s ghost began singing the first verse to the song “All I Do Is Win”, (Suga is doing the back up vocals, shown in parentheses)

“All RIPPED KENMA does is win win win, no matter what,  
got flat earth on his mind  
He can’t get enough (‘nough)  
And every time he steps up on stage, everybody’s hands go UP!  
AND THEY STAY THERE (cause gravity doesn’t exist)  
AND THEY SAY YEAH (yeah)  
AND THEY STAY THERE, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN  
Cause all I do is win (win) win (win)  
And if you goin’ in, put your hands in the air, make ‘em stay there”

Then, Oikawa’s ghost throws the microphone to RIPPED KENMA who begins rapping, Suga is still doing the back up vocals.

“RIPPED KENMA GOIN’ IN ON THE VERSE  
‘CAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED AND I WON’T STOP NOW   
(Woah)  
KEEP YOUR HANDS UP, GET ‘EM IN THE SKY BECAUSE GRAVITY DOES NOT EXIST  
I NEVER WENT NOWHERE, BUT THEY’RE SAYIN’ KENMA’S BACK (Yeah!)”

Then Oikawa’s ghost, Suga, and Terushima sang the first part again. 

The crowd started cheering wildy, and RIPPED KENMA ran to the edge the stage and jumped onto the crowd to crowd surf. Bokuto thought it looked like fun, so he ran over and did the same. The crowd was happy to have one of RIPPED KENMA’S beautiful fiancees crowd surfing, so they happily complied with it. The dumb Ken doll also ran and jumped off the stage, but the crowd moved out of the way and let him fall. 

The Ken doll realized he could never beat RIPPED KENMA, so he climbed back on stage and then climbed up the microphone stand, so he could speak into the microphone. 

“Excuse me everyone, I have an announcement to make.” The Ken doll said into the microphone

The crowd immediately booed. The Ken doll hung his head sadly but continued speaking.

“I just wanted to announce that I will be resigning from this election. I’ve realized that I have no chance against RIPPED KENMA in this election.

The crowd cheered and started chanting “RIPPED KENMA IS THE BEST” over and over again.

The Ken doll walked off stage, and Bokuto and Kuroo followed him. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————  
The Ken doll walked over to to a bridge that was just there for some reason. About 20 feet below, there was a river. He was looking out at the river when Bokuto and Kuroo approached him with a knife. Bokuto held the knife to the Ken doll’s back and said “We know you have one of those suitcases that turns into the dream house. Hand it over, and we will let you live.”

The Ken doll didn’t seem too worried about the fact that there was a knife to his back. He pulled a suitcase out of his pocket and handed it to Kuroo, who was standing in front of the Ken doll with his hand outstretched.

“This one was made for humans, not dolls, so it should be big enough for all of you. It is also fully furnished, and it has 2 pairs of all of barbie’s clothes in human size, so that you will be able to match.” The Ken doll told them.

“Thanks, bro!” Bokuto told him “But we’re still gonna kill you.”  
Bokuto threw the knife to the side and pinched the Ken doll’s neck between his thumb and index finger. Kuroo also pinched the Ken dolls neck between his thumb and his index finger. When he looked up at Bokuto, their faces were only inches apart. Even though they were literally strangling a Ken doll, the moment was very romantic. Kuroo and Bokuto kissed, as the Ken doll’s life left his eyes. After they pulled apart, Kuroo realized something.

“What are we gonna do with the body?” Kuroo asked Bokuto 

“I was thinking we should carry him around town and tell everyone he’s just drunk, then we throw him off the bridge, and when the police find him, they’ll just think he got too drunk and fell off the bridge.” Bokuto responds

“Hmmm, that’s a good idea, but there will be a toxicology report. We need to pour alcohol down his throat if we want this to work.” Kuroo was certain that was the only hole in this plan.

Fortunately, there was a random bottle of vodka sitting a few feet away. Bokuto held the Ken doll’s mouth open, while Kuroo poured vodka down his throat. When they had poured half the bottle, which was bigger than the Ken doll, Bokuto slung his limp body over his shoulder and walked into town.

As Kuroo and Bokuto walked around town, they both kept saying loudly, “Don’t mind him, he’s just drunk. Don’t mind him.” While Bokuto gestured over his shoulder. After they walked around town for 2 hours, they went back to the bridge and threw his body off the bridge. Then they decided to hang out under the bridge until the body was reported, so that they could tell the police that the Ken doll fell off the bridge because he was drunk.

A few minutes later, the queen of England had walked down to where the Ken doll’s body had washed up on the shore. The queen of England was bent over the Ken doll’s tiny body, sobbing. Ken was her favorite character on Barbie’s Life in the Dreamhouse. Kuroo and Bokuto walked over to her and whispered “Cry me a river” in her ear. The queen of England sobbed harder, and Bokuto said “That’s right!! Cry me a river!!”

Then he fist pumped happily. A few minutes later, the police showed up. The main police guy walked over to Kuroo and Bokuto and asked what happened. They ignored the queen of England, as she was crying too hard to even talk.

“What happened here?” The police guy asked

“Oh, well this guy got drunk, and then he fell of the side of the bridge.” Kuroo responded. Bokuto giggled because he knew what really happened.

“Hmm, that makes sense.” The police guy responded “But we’ll have to do a toxicology report to see.”

At hearing “toxic” and nothing else that was said, the other police guys jumped up excitedly. “Yessss that’s our favorite song!!” Then all the police started singing toxic and doing the dance for toxic from Just Dance. Bokuto and Kuroo also knew the song and dance so they joined in.

By the time they finished the performance, they were too tired to continue the investigation, so they decided to just trust Kuroo and went home. Kuroo and Bokuto left the Ken doll’s body with the queen on England and went back to the hotel, where Kenma and Akaashi were waiting for them.

“Where did you two run off to?” Akaashi asked as they walked into the hotel.

“We killed the Ken doll, and we got a dream house from him!!!” Bokuto said excitedly

Kenma smiled widely, “I’m so happy that you killed him. I hate that guy.”

“We did it for you.” Kuroo told him and smiled at his husband/BFFL with benefits.

“Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, it was so kind of you to do this for Kenma-san. We love you both so much.”

Kenma started to cry because he was so happy and he loved his fiancees so much. They all hugged for 47 minutes straight. After that, they all kissed at the same time (somehow) for 13 hours and 5 minutes. They had one more night in the hotel, so they all changed into pajamas. Bokuto and Kuroo were wearing their custom-made, matching, owl and cat pajamas. Kenma transformed into RIPPED KENMA and allowed Bokuto and Kuroo to each cuddle one of his beefy arms, as Akaashi laid on top of him to cuddle his rippling abs. They all drifted to sleep with smiles on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kenma's love for Kuroo surpasses his hatred of gravity and the earth being round, which is why he allows him to be a science nerd.   
> The queen of England was in Texas for the election, and she planned to vote for the Ken doll.


	11. Love stories and a dead inside baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a Valentine's day party. That's all you need to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My niece and cowriter drew RIPPED KENMA. The picture is posted before the story starts.

It had been a week since RIPPED KENMA was elected world leader, and the world was already better than it had ever been. All homophobes and transphobes have randomly died, as they could not handle the sheer existence of him and his 3 fiancees. RIPPED KENMA ended world hunger, homelessness, and child trafficking in his first day as world leader. He also replaced the entire police force with the dogs from Paw Patrol, but instead of having them imprison people, they just did tricks in order to get treats.

Everyone was so much happier now with RIPPED KENMA as world leader. RIPPED KENMA also appointed Sora as his vice world leader, who was busy killing any racists who hadn’t died with the homophobes and transphobes. There weren’t very many left anyway.

Akaashi, Kuroo, Bokuto, and Kenma were sitting in the living room of their new dreamhouse. Kenma was playing animal crossing on his new Nintendo switch, and Akaashi was reading, while Bokuto and Kuroo were watching Barbie’s Life in the Dreamhouse. Right now Barbie was talking about adjusting to living without Ken after the tragic accident where he fell off a bridge because he was too drunk. Kuroo and Bokuto were giggling because they knew what really happened.

“We were gonna have a valentine’s day party this year, but it will just be too hard without Ken here to celebrate with us.” Barbie said on the screen, as she wiped a tear from her face. Ryan is seen in the background, sobbing over Ken’s death.

“OMG I have an idea!!” Bokuto said loudly.

“What is it, bro?” Kuroo asked excitedly.

Bokuto leaned over and whispered in Kuroo’s ear “We should have a Valentine’s day party.”

“OMG bro, that’s a good idea. Ask Kenma. You already know Akaashi will agree if we’re all on board.” Kuroo whispered back.

Kenma had a small smile on his face. Bokuto and Kuroo were not actually quiet at all, so Kenma could hear them the whole time. They were cute though, so he went along with it.

“Kenma!!! Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma Kenma!!!!!” Bokuto said excitedly

“What is it, Bokuto?” Kenma asked, his voice soft.

“Pwetty pwease let us have a Valentine’s Day party!!!!” Bokuto and Kuroo both pouted and gave very adorable puppy dog eyes. Akaashi took out his phone and took a picture. He quickly set it as his background. They were way too precious.

“Okay, but only if Shoyo comes. You know I don’t like being around too many people.” Kenma responded. Despite RIPPED KENMA’S large following, Kenma still had a lot of social anxiety. It was just easier to handle when he was in his ripped form. 

“Of course Hinata will come!!” Bokuto responded excitedly, “I already texted him about it while I was whispering in Kuroo’s ear!!!” 

“Broooo, I thought I had your undivided attention.” Kuroo pouts.

“Aww bro, you do now.” Bokuto responded, before looking into his eyes lovingly for 37 minutes. The room was completely silent while Kenma pulled out his phone to record them, and then uploaded it to YouTube in a video titled “my beautiful fiancees in love (full homo)”. 

“Akaaaaaashi!!!” Bokuto said excitedly when him and Kuroo broke eye contact. “Come over here!! We should all have a four way staring contest!!!!” Akaashi smiled fondly, as Bokuto and Kuroo each grabbed one of his hands and pulled him up from the chair he was sitting in. They led him over to the other side of the living room where Kenma was waiting. They all stared at each other lovingly for 6 hours, falling more in love with each other with each minute that passed. 

Kuroo had already made a groupchat with every volleyball player that he knew, and he texted them all to come over right away. Harry Styles the cat took care of decorations while the four fiancees were staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. Harry Styles the cat loved his dads, so he didn’t mind decorating for them. He was also very excited to show off his decorating skills to the Cool Cats Gang, which was his gang of cool cats. They all wore sunglasses with gloms on the side and leather jackets. Harry Styles the cat realized he wasn’t dressed yet, so he flew up to his floor of the house, and put on his leather jacket and sunglasses with flames on the side. He was the coolest cat of all.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang and everyone from the group chat had arrived. Maddog and Terushima showed up with a baby that looked dead inside. The baby was also wearing smudged eyeliner. All of a sudden, 27 cats flew into the house. They were all wearing sunglasses with flames on the side and leather jackets. The Cool Cat Gang had arrived. Harry Styles the cat was very excited to see the cool cats, and he started doing flips in the air to show his excitement. Sora also came in with the cool cat gang, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses with flames on the side, to show that he too, was a cool cat.

Kenma was hiding in the corner in order to avoid all the people, so Akaashi walked over to him. It was the perfect moment to share their single lonely cosmic brownies, and Kenma looked extremely beautiful as he played on his Nintendo switch. Akaashi was so in love. He pulled the two single lonely cosmic brownies that he had been saving to share with Kenma out of his pocket.

“Hello Kenma-san, would you like to share these single lonely cosmic brownies with me?” Akaashi asked, his cheeks tinted pink. Kenma smiled up at him and put his game aside.

“I would love to.” He responded, smiling softy. Akaashi smiled wide, and opened each of the single lonely cosmic brownies. He handed one to Kenma, who broke it in half and handed one half to Akaashi. Akaashi did the same with his single lonely cosmic brownie, so they both had one half of each other’s single lonely cosmic brownies. They looked into each other’s eyes lovingly while eating, taking the smallest bites possible in order to savor this moment. The world around them fades away, and it’s just the two of them. It only takes them 4 seconds to finish their single lonely cosmic brownies, but it feels like a lifetime. Then Akaashi caresses Kenma’s face before leaning in for a kiss that lasts 27 minutes and 14 seconds. 

They pulled apart when they heard the sound of Kuroo’s voice. He was standing on stage that Harry Styles the cat had put in the middle of the living room. Bokuto is on the stage with him. They were both wearing pink sparkly rompers with short sleeves and a heart patch in the upper right corner where a pocket would be. They were also wearing pink, sparkly, thigh high, high heeled boots.

“Welcome everyone, to our Valentine’s day party!!!” Kuroo announced excitedly, as Bokuto threw confetti hearts in the air. “Today I want to open up the stage to anyone who would like to share their love story, or anyone who would like to confess to their crush!!” Bokuto and Kuroo winked at the same time.

“We’ll start off!” Kuroo continued, “For me, it started with Kenma, my best friend that I had been in love with for years. The first time I confessed to him, he didn’t get it. I told him, ‘Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re cute.” Kuroo has to stop for a second because he’s laughing so hard at his own science joke. Bokuto doesn’t get it either, but he smiled fondly at Kuroo because he’s so cute. Kenma and Akaashi are also watching fondly from the corner of the room. Sakusa has now joined them in their hiding spot.

After Kuroo finally stops laughing, he continues, “Kenma’s response was just, ‘what the fuck, Kuro?’”, so I had to explain to him that their symbols spell out CuTe on the periodic table. And he is very cute.” Bokuto nodded in agreement. 

“But anyway, Kenma was like ‘Kuro, you know I hate science. But I think you’re cute too.’” Kuroo did not add that he could not stop blushing for the rest of the day. “After that, we agreed to be together, and it was one of the best days of my life.” Kuroo finished.

“But our story does not end there!!” Bokuto cuts in excitedly. “It started with Akaashi for me. When he first walked into the gym to join the volleyball club, I fell in love instantly. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.” 

“He really is incredibly beautiful.” Kuroo added. Akaashi was blushing furiously where he sat with Kenma in the corner. Kenma smiled fondly at him and leaned over to say “They’re right, you know.” Akaashi was as red as a Pringles can.

“I told him right away that I loved him, and he just blushed cutely and said ’Th-th-th-th-th-th-thank you B-b-b-bokuto-san, but we’ve only just met’ Like I said, he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, so I told him that and asked him to go on a date with me. We went to Trader Joe’s, the one that Kenma started in Japan because he loves Trader Joe’s.” Kenma nodded approvingly. Trader Joe’s was his favorite store. It was also Akaashi’s favorite store.

“When we all met each other, there was an instant connection. Me and Bokuto were actually already matching the day we met, without any planning. We were wearing our bro shirts, the purple crop tops that say ‘#blessed’ with high waisted shorts” Kuroo said excitedly.

“I knew I loved my bro immediately too! But I was already in love with Akaashi, so I thought it was just normal bro love, and we always said ‘no homo’.” Bokuto added

“But one day, Kenma and Akaashi sat us down and told us that it was clear that we were in love. We were worried about them being mad, but they told us that they loved each other too. It didn’t take long for all of us to fall in love, and now, here we are.” Kuroo finished

The crowd began cheering wildly. Oikawa’s ghost was crying and hugging Iwa-chan.

“Who ever would like to tell their story next can come up.” Kuroo and Bokuto said at the same time, before walking over to Kenma and Akaashi. Sakusa was still hanging out in the corner with them. Ushijima’s ghost floated onto stage.

“Hello. My name is Wakatoshi Ushijima. My love is Satori Tendou, but recently, I made a terrible mistake, which led to my death. I asked Oikawa to marry me because I thought that if we got married, he would have to come to Shiratorizawa.” Oikawa’s ghost stuck his tongue out at Ushijima’s ghost from the audience.

“I did not consider how this would make Tendou feel, and it is the biggest regret of my life. I’m sorry Tendou, to atone for my crimes, I have made this chocolate sculpture of you.” Ushijima went to the corner of the stage and pulled a wagon with a life sized chocolate sculpture of Tendou. Tendou smiled from the audience. He was angry with Ushijima’s ghost, but he did love chocolate. Tendou walked up on stage and grabbed Ushijima’s ghostly hand. 

“Okay, miracle boy, I forgive you.” Tendou said, then they kissed for 42 minutes and 8 seconds. After they left the stage, Yamaguchi went up to talk.

“Hi everyone!!! The love of my life is Tsukkishima.” Yamaguchi announced

“Wooooo! Tsukkipoo!” Bokuto yelled from the audience.

“When we were kids, some people were bullying me, and Tsukki called them lame. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. Most people think Tsukki is pretty mean, and he is. But he’s my favorite person in the world, no matter how grumpy he is.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Tsukkishima said from the audience, but he was blushing. He was also holding a giant pink dinosaur plushie that Yamaguchi had gotten him for valentines day.

“Okay Tsukki.” Yamaguchi walked off stage and hugged Tsukkishima.

Terushima and Maddog walked onto the stage with the dead inside baby. 

“He’s about to say his first words.” Terushima said excitedly.

“Y-y” the baby started

“Yes, what is it, my child?” Maddog asked the baby

“You should have aborted me.” The baby said, and Maddog smiled fondly.

“Well, sorry kid.” Terushima responded.

“Those were my first words too.” Maddog said, as he wiped a tear from his eye. Terushima and Maddog walked off stage with the baby.

Atsumu walked up on stage to the microphone.

“Hey everyone! I’m Atsumu, the best setter of all time.” Atsumu announced, then posed like a body builder. Atsumu was wearing a shirt with a dog on the front and gold short shorts.

“I’m here ta’ confess to the love of ma’ life, Omi-Omi.” Atsumu declared happily. Sakusa glared at him from the corner of the room. What was this doofus doing?

“Omi, even though yer moody and a clean freak, I still love ya. Will ya be my boyfriend?” Atsumu asked. Instead of responding, Sakusa walked right out the door. Atsumu jumped off the stage and ran after him.

After that, Yaku walked up on stage. In a very serious tone, he announced, “I’d like to address the rumors that I am dating a 6’4” beanpole that you all may know as Lev. You should know that Lev is the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but unfortunately, the rumors are true. I am in love with the Tokyo tower.” Yaku wipes a tear from his eye. 

Lev begins jumping up and down excitedly from the audience and yells, “Woo that’s my short boyfriend!!” Yaku jumps off stage and kicks Lev in the face. Lev didn’t seem bothered by this and just caught Yaku before he could fall. Then Lev and Yaku kissed while Lev was holding him, bridal style.

The Cool Cat Gang flew up onto stage and performed “Oops I did it again”. Sora was the only one who spoke English, but all 28 cats meowed along with the song while he sang. As the performance went on, the cats flew and did flips in the air. Harry Styles the cat flew in circles around the whole group and flew down to the audience to nuzzle the faces of their adoring fans. It was the cutest performance anyone had ever seen.

After the performance, everyone was mingling among the crowd. Atsumu and Sakusa had returned and were trying to kiss, even though Sakusa was still wearing his mask. Hinata was holding Kageyama the volleyball and talking to Kuroo, Kenma, Bokuto, and Akaashi. 

“Wasn’t Terushima and Maddog’s baby so cute?” Akaashi said

“Yes, I loved the way he did his eyeliner!!!” Bokuto responded.

“I wish I could have a baby.” Hinata said wistfully and then looked at Kageyama. Kageyama the volleyball blushed and turned around in Hinata’s arms to hide it.

“You would be the best dad, Shoyo.” Kenma responded.

“I want a baby too!!” Bokuto said excitedly

“We should wait until Harry Styles the cat is a little older, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi told him. Bokuto pouted, but nodded in acceptance. Harry Styles the cat needed a lot of attention since he was still a baby.

17 hours later, the Valentine’s day party had finally died down. Lev and Yaku were still kissing in the middle of the living room. Akaashi, Bokuto, Kuroo, and Kenma were getting ready for bed. Bokuto and Kuroo were wearing matching pink pajamas with little red hearts all over them.

“Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, Kenma-san. I love you all so much. Thank you for being the best boyfriends/fiancees/BFFLs with benefits of all time. I’m so excited for us all to get married.”

“Yes, we should get married at the Ken doll’s funeral.” Kenma said. He thought the funerals of people who got what they deserved were the most romantic venues. Bokuto and Kuroo both nodded in agreement. 

“Sounds good to me!! Bro!! We have to plan our outfits. Let’s wear wedding dresses this time!” He said to Bokuto. “The suits we wore at mine and Kenma’s wedding were cute, but I wanna step it up.” Kuroo said excitedly.

“Bro yes!!!!” Bokuto responded. 

Kenma and Akaashi smiled fondly at their husbands/fiances/BFFL’s with benefits, as they talked about which wedding dresses they should wear.. They all laid down and cuddled each other until they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dreamhouse is in the backyard of their old house.  
> Kuroo's grandma still lives in the old house, but she comes over to read him bed time stories.


End file.
